Exhaustion to Grace: How I’m Learning to Serve

Happy 4th!

I woke up this morning and got the unexpected surprise of my sister volunteering to pick up my four oldest kiddos to take them to hang out with her and some of my extended family. God bless my sis!!

After cleaning up, making some homemade pizza for myself and my hubby, and enjoying some much-needed quality time together, I found that I had some down time to do what I love—write a blog post.

Sourdough pizza from freshly-milled einkorn wheat berries. Y’all, I’m quite proud of myself and the skills I’m honing year by year. Made 3 large pizzas like this because I thought the kiddos were going to be here. Since I have a hard time digesting cow’s milk (though I still indulge sometimes), I made a separate one for myself with goat’s cheese. Just as delish!

Not that you asked, but wanna know what’s been on my mind?

Lately, the Holy Spirit has been leading me to meditate on 1 Peter. This past week, it’s been difficult to move past the following verses:

9 Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.
10 Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.
11 If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen.

1 Peter 4: 9-11

Night after night, my eyes keep resting on verse 11:

"If anyone serves, they should do so WITH THE STRENGTH GOD PROVIDES."

WHY?

So that in all things, God may be praised through Jesus Christ.

Y’all.

That part.

So…I’m a mother.

And if you are a mother, or serve in any caretaking role in its many forms, you know that you serve. In fact, you find yourself serving constantly.

There have been times when I’ve lashed out at my husband in exhaustion because, quite frankly, I’ve been tired of serving.

Some of those times may have been warranted—haha, I digress—but many of those times, I was serving… but doing so from a place of Jessica's strength. Certainly not God's.

How do I know?

Because, many of those times, I was serving by completing tasks and lists that were never warranted by my Creator to complete. Sometimes, I’ve felt the Lord literally tell me to GO TO BED, and I look at a set of dirty dishes and think, “Just one more thing, and then I’ll…”

It’s in the moments when I finally yield myself and my plans to Him that His strength takes over, and I suddenly feel a grace and operate under a covering that I didn’t know could exist. And though the day can still be challenging, it no longer feels so weighty. Can you relate?

Story time.

One Sunday morning, my husband and I were running late to attend our church—like, a whole 60 minutes late. But we had already gotten all the kids dressed and ready, so we decided to visit another church where we knew the pastor and some of the congregants.

When we arrived, worship had just begun, and at this church, it was encouraged to spread out and worship comfortably since there was space.

I took our youngest daughter (5 months old at the time) to worship at the back of the church. I sat down on the concrete floor and breastfed while the worship hymn “I Surrender All” washed over me.

While singing, I found myself having a difficult time uttering the words, “I surrender…all.”

I kept trying to sing the lyrics but couldn’t.

I asked the Holy Spirit what was up, and what He spoke to me made me pause.

“Do less…so I can do more.”

“Huh?”

I heard it so clearly again.

“Do less…so I can do more.”

I hadn’t been surrendering... all.

In fact, I was doing way too much.

Images of me rushing, cleaning, stressing—and not resting in Him—came to mind.

Here’s the beautiful thing about 1 Peter 4:11:

When we serve through the strength He gives, who gets the glory?

Honey, HE DOES.

When I serve through my own strength, however “good” I think my intentions are, Jessica gets the glory, not Him.

After that Sunday, I wrestled with the idea of what “doing less” meant for a mom of 5 little ones.

I kept asking, “But how????????!”

From there, the Lord has me on a current journey.

It began with taking a Sabbath every Saturday evening to Sunday evening. Now, by Saturday evening, I’m sitting down reading a good magazine or watching a YouTube video, lol. I’m forced to trust Him on whatever chores don’t get done by Monday.

And more recently, He has me yielding by practicing going to bed by a certain time. Still working on that last part. It’s a journey for sure.

Anywho, I leave you with this encouragement:

Serve. But only through the strength He provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen.

Back to my chill mode before the kiddos arrive home.

Talk soon,
Pondered Thought

In what area are you currently needing to rely on the Lord’s strength and not your own?

😄 Still waiting on my tomato… but look what else grew!

A few weeks ago, I shared that I was planning to plant a vegetable garden on our patio for the first time ever.

If you know me, you know I didn’t grow up with a vegetable garden—and I’ve never grown a single vegetable in my life.

So, it only made sense to keep my goal simple: just one tomato. Just one!

Well... I haven’t gotten my tomato yet. But I’ve had fun watching everything else grow from seed.

Here are a few before-and-after photos so far.

Before

Dazzling Blue Kale

Peppers

Tomatos

It has been a joy seeing most of these start from seed. (Though I did stick the heads of some leeks and bok choy into the soil one day after using some from the store to make dinner and planted from there 😄.)

My husband and I don’t have a yard…yet. But we DO have a patio. These last few years, the Lord has been teaching me the power of taking whatever we have and multiplying it. My revelation stems from this verse in Proverbs.

Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox. Proverbs 14:4

It often requires resources to produce a harvest. Therefore whatever resources I do have, coupled with some intention and labor, will produce something.

Instead of waiting for “one day,” I’m thankful the Lord is having me to enjoy TODAY.

May you see the resources you do have in your possession, have fun being creative, and put it to work! And may you enjoy the fruit of your harvest (in whatever capacity).

Trust me, I’ll let you know when I get my first tomato!

Toodaloo,

Pondered Thought

(P.S. Would love to know any plants you’ve planted and which ones are thriving right now!)

OUR Baby Turns 5 Tomorrow!

5.26.25

I pray you were able to enjoy rest and extra time with loved ones this weekend.
We certainly did.

Our oldest daughter turns five tomorrow, and today we celebrated her birthday surrounded by aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and friends. It was a sweet time.

As her birthday approaches, I’ve found myself reflecting on her life. I can recall her birth story like it was yesterday—etched into my memory with clarity.

In past years, her birthdays have come and gone with a natural rhythm.

But this year feels different. This is the first time I’ve caught myself thinking: How could it possibly have been five years since I stared into my newborn baby’s eyes? Howww?

Time is such a mystery. A single day can feel like a year, and a year like a fleeting moment. I often return to this prayer:
“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90:12).

As each year passes, I find myself thinking more about eternity. It's in the eternal that I find rest. It’s in His presence that I’m assured I’m always home. And it’s in the knowing that what I do today—here, in this temporary world—has eternal impact, that I look at my daughter with both joy and deep purpose.

I smile at her and pray not just for many more trips around the sun, but for a future that stretches into eternity. I pray I’ll hold her hand not only in this life, but in the millions of years to come.

Number your days, my friend.
This life is but a breath.
Live today as if you'll stand before His throne tomorrow.

With love,
A grateful heart

Well, That Was Different: Birth Story Baby #5

Lord knows, birth is an incredible and powerful experience.

It changes you in ways that sometimes feel too sacred to speak about.

Typically, I write about my birth experiences in much detail.

See below:

This time, I’m writing about the birth of our beautiful daughter, Zuri Estelle Stephens, in a way that varies from the rest. In part, because I’m still processing much of it. The Lord is still speaking to me regarding it.

How can one of my most difficult labor and delivery experiences be positive?

Well, it is—not due to the absence of difficulty.

It’s positive due to the presence of the Lord.

His hand upon this birth was exceptionally evident.

Let me start from the beginning.

Our baby girl was due on Monday, August 19th, 2024.

The day before her due date, I acknowledged a feeling that I’d been having for a few days up until that point—nervousness.

While sitting in our Sunday morning church service, thoughts of anxiousness overwhelmed me. I pulled out my journal and began writing out birthing affirmations and scriptures to settle my mind. I mouthed them out over and over until the end of service. Don’t ask me what the sermon was about that day.

In the lobby, someone asked me, “Are you ready for this baby to come? You’re such a pro.”

I looked at this lady with steady eyes and a vulnerable heart. “This is the first time that I’m nervous and I don’t know why,” I replied. A mother of 4 herself, I felt this lady embrace me without touch.

Later that afternoon, I went to the library to check out a few books to read during my postpartum period (in the event that our baby girl came that week.)

While there, a mother stopped me and pointed to my belly, “Is this your first?” she questioned. I peered down into her stroller and saw her baby girl who looked to be about one years old. “No, fifth,” I said bashfully, bracing myself for the incoming shock.

She looked at me with admiration and quiet pause. She then shared with me how she herself went almost 2 weeks overdue and how that was the longest 2 weeks of her life. I confided to this stranger how I felt like my baby wasn’t coming yet and that her story encouraged me. Typically, my previous babies were no more than a few days over the due date or were right on time. But for some reason, in that moment, I felt so strongly that my baby wasn’t coming just yet.

The next day, our youngest son got a fever.

I began praying immediately that our baby girl wouldn’t come until our one-year-old’s fever broke. On Tuesday of that week, my doula informed me that she would need to be out of town for a few days and wouldn’t return until that Saturday. Although she had a backup doula on standby for me, I really wanted/needed my doula, who was like a mother to me after attending my three previous births, to be there. At that point, I began praying that our baby wouldn’t debut until at least that Saturday evening.

Guess what? The Lord, in His sovereignty, answered both prayers.

My son’s fever broke on that Thursday. My doula changed her flight and came back on Saturday morning instead of that Saturday evening. And my baby continued to nestle herself quite comfortably in my womb.

By that Monday, one week past my due date, my midwife checked me. I was only 3 cm dilated and my baby wasn’t in the best position. She did a membrame sweep and then I went to my doula’s house so she could work with me on some bodywork/inversions to help the baby engage my cervix a little more and to help my baby girl turn a little bit more for optimal position.

Later that night, I began having more intense Braxton Hicks contractions.

The next day, which was Tuesday of that week, my midwife checked me again. My baby had turned a little bit more. We decided to wait another day before doing any further interventions. Praise God her heartbeat was strong and healthy.

After leaving my midwife’s office, I went home. Up until then, my mom and sister had begun coming over daily for at least 7-10 days prior to help me with the kids, their homeschool lessons, and chores.

We were all expecting the baby to come at any moment. On that morning, I felt the Lord whisper to me gently to consecrate our home by only playing worship music. Typically, I’d listen to some sort of social commentary regarding world events while cooking or cleaning. But I listened to the beckoning of the Holy Spirit.

While listening to some worship, I began making me some postpartum lentil soup to freeze, dinner for the family for the next few days, and some sourdough sandwich loaves. My husband let me know that morning that he and our four-year-old daughter were praying that our baby girl would come that Tuesday night.

Apparently in the middle of my husband praying, our daughter interrupted him and said, “No , Daddy. I’m going to pray that the baby comes tomorrow morning so that I can see her.”

Later that Tuesday evening, I mopped, cleaned out the fridge, and then went to bed. I still felt like the baby wasn’t yet engaging my cervix.

At 12:30 AM on that Wednesday morning, I awakened out of my sleep with an intense contraction. I went to use the restroom and immediately had to poop. More contractions came and I began timing myself.

By 1:00 AM I woke up my husband and asked him to grab my headphones so I could listen to my Christian hypnobirthing app. He went to our car in the garage to grab them and upon his return I told him that I needed him to stay with me. The contractions were intensifying more quickly than I anticipated.

By 1:30 AM I texted my midwife and doula.

45 minutes later my water broke and I felt ready to push. My doula arrived seconds after my water broke and my midwife arrived minutes later.

My midwife wanted to check the position of the baby before I began pushing.

My baby girl still wasn’t in the best position. Because of this, I couldn’t push yet and needed to do a few contractions in different positions to see if she would turn. Well, after about 2 hours of contracting and waiting to see if our baby girl would turn, my midwife suggested that it would be best for me to transfer to the hospital to have my back up OB turn my baby girl internally.

See how I’m typing this all nice and neatly?

Let me tell you, those were the longest 2 hours. My body was signaling that it was time “to push” but baby girl was not in a position to be pushed out. So I was sweating, getting nauseous, experiencing increased contractions as if she were coming any second, yet she wasn’t.

The short drive from our home to the hospital was tough. Again, at this point, my body was yelling for me to push but I needed to wait. So the pain was intense.

The Lord is so kind. When my midwife reached out to my OB, he was able to meet us at the hospital immediately. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. We arrived at the hospital, and after about 40 minutes (I had to receive fluids and get an epidural), my OB was ready to see if he could turn baby girl internally. I wasn’t prepared for the pain of that procedure. The epidural hadn’t fully kicked in yet, and I felt quite a bit of pressure. At one point my OB said, “There’s no other way, we must turn her.” Then minutes later, he said, “Well, there’s no going back. She’s coming out.” And praise GOD, she did.

Our baby girl was born at 8:02 AM on Wednesday 8/28/24.

She came out healthy and with a head full of hair. She came out face first. A lot of the nurses had never seen that before. Because of her positioning and how she came out, her face was quite swollen and bruised from pressing against my pelvic bone. Over the next two days, I cried a LOT due to wondering if Zuri experienced any pain during her birth… if me opting to not do pelvic floor therapy (to save $$) during my pregnancy caused her to be in an odd position…if I could’ve done anything to have helped her change positions. The thoughts plagued me. My hormones were also doing the typical dramatic shift in approach of my milk coming in (so that contributed to the tears as well).

But after a few days, the Lord in His gentleness revealed to me just how much His hand was upon this birth.

Exactly, 14 days before Zuri arrived, the Lord led me to invite family and friends to do a virtual prayer call for my labor and delivery. My husband and I typically do this for all of our births, but this time I felt led to extend the invite to even more of my extended family.

He allowed Zuri to come after my youngest son broke his fever.

The sickness didn’t spread to any of our other kids either.

My doula was able to be in attendance for this birth.

My mom taught one of the young nurses who attended me. This nurse held my hand during my final push.

The lady who cleaned me up after Zuri was born knew me, was a subscriber to this blog, and was a member of my father in law’s church.

There were so many people the Lord used to go before me in preparation of my daughter’s birth.

Just like her birth date 8/28, the Lord allowed me to see the workings of Romans 8:28 played out: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

I’m not sure what you’re going through.

I’m not sure of the things you may be questioning.

But I am sure that God is good. We live in a fallen world.

Sometimes it feels like there are more questions than answers. May your less than ideal circumstance not color the unchanging characteristic of our God.

He is good. He sees you. He loves you. And He absolutely cares. Keep running to Him. Rest in Him. And allow Him to answer your questions, in time. Sometimes the reprieve you need is not an answer but His Presence. Abide in Him, so that as you cry, He can be the one to wipe.

As I grow older, the answers I receive are found less in reasoning and more in a Person. Trust me, I don’t know what I don’t know. But I know, I need Him.

I guess I did write about this birth in detail haha.

—PonderedThought

My daughter wanted to cry but didn’t. I wish she had.

Well, the time has arrived. Our baby girl is due to arrive in a matter of days. And my body is beginning to feel it.

By 3pm, my body is tired y’all.

I’m thankful to our village who has stepped in and come alongside to help us tremendously over the course of these last few weeks in preparation for our sweetheart’s debut.

Last week, my sister visited me after she got off of work and the moment she stepped through the door, I grabbed my keys to go for a walk alone at our local gym.

After my walk, I came home and waddled my little pregnant body to the couch and plopped down. I watched my sister sweep, vacuum, and sequester the energy of my four kiddos towards picking up random items off the floor. When all was said and done, my sister then began making a craft with my four-year-old daughter. I know. I know. My sister is the best.

Apparently, my four-year-old had been waiting patiently for this moment. My sister and her took out some wooden pieces and began following instructions to make an airplane. Within five minutes, my other 2-year-old daughter grabbed a vital piece of the craft and broke it in half.

I heard my older daughter cry out in anger. She then got up, and ran to the living room where I was laid out on the couch.

Customarily, my daughter would run to me screaming and crying with all of her very big 4-year-old emotions.

But this time, she ran past me… towards another couch.

I stared at her from a distance and observed.

She began self-soothing herself by sucking her finger and sitting still.

“Ada, are you okay?” I questioned, while still very much laid out on the couch.

She didn’t say anything.

She simply nodded her head while I caught the slightest glisten coat her uniquely-shaped almond eyes.

I reached out both of my hands so as to invite her over to me—something she never denies—but she dismissed the gesture.

Everything in me wanted her to run to me for comfort. Up until this point in her age, I was her safe space. My lap witnessed much of her pain. My hands wiped away the majority of her tears. My nose knew the scent of her hair. My ankles knew the exact cadence to rock her up and down to calm any of her emotions.

I was there.

I often was there.

But here I was “there” but refused.

It felt strange.

Out of resepect for her 4-year-old dignity, I didn’t say anything and kept observing her in silence.

In the presence of my sister, she desired to appear a certain way.

Within the next hour, my sister left. And sure enough, my precious little girl burst into tears.

Everything she had been withholding spilled forth.

“Elena broke the piece of my airplane. I was waiting patiently Mama because Cece (my sister) kept doing other things. And then, when CeCe and I were about to put the plane together, Elena broke it!” she exclaimed, crying theatrically.

Later that night, I told my husband the story.

The highlight wasn’t my 4-year-old’s tears. Tears, screaming, whining are quite the usual noises over here in our household.

Instead, the highlight of my story was how it crushed me not being able to hold my daughter in a moment when I knew she was in such anguish. How l had to sit there and witness her stuff down her disappointment. How I had to watch her try to be strong when I knew she felt weak.

My daughter only did this due to the presence of my sister.

But can I share something personal with you?

How often do I do this in the private presence of my own Heavenly Father?

How often do I mask frustration, anger, anxiety, overwhelm in my everyday prayers instead of reverently having a meltdown within my heavenly Father’s arms?

How often do I stuff down how I’m really feeling in His presence, in an effort to act like “everything is fine. I need not complain. It could be worse.” When He wants to be the One to hear me share with Him how I’m truly feeling. He wants to be the One to lend me His perspective. He wants to be the One to watch me run to His Word and say it aloud even when I don’t fully believe it but still say it in faith. He wants to be the One to watch me worship Him despite how I feel . He wants to be the One to see me fall to my knees and quietly say “base” after running for too long and too hard. He wants to be the One.

It’s hard to forget the imagery of my daughter standing at a distance in the midst of her emotional angst. Her distance felt foreign.

For the one reading this, if you’re anything like me, allow me to challenge you.

Next time you find yourself battling an array of emotions, instead of running to that one thing to give you a false sense of resolve or strength- albeit a drink, a television show, some IG scrolling, an unwarranted purchase, work, a party, or even some much needed housework etc.- journal or talk aloud to the King of Kings. First, acknowledge who you’re talking to by recalling who He is and then unashamedly express to Him what He already knows.. Feel free to acknowledge how you’d like to feel instead and leave it to Him to draw the bridge between your current reality and your desired future.

He just wants to be the One you come to. So come. Just come.

Our Family's 2024: The First 5 Months in Review

2024 is going by quickly. So much has happened in a few short months. Let me tell you.

Pics taken on Christmas Day of 2023. In these photos, I didn’t know it yet, but I was in the early stages of pregnancy. My oldest daughter, who was/is only 3yrs old at the time, told me a few days before taking this picture that I was pregnant. I thought she was observing the pudge in my stomach. I kindly let her know that I wasn’t. She looked at me after I explained to her in detail as to why I might look pregnant after birthing four babies but was assuredly not haha. She listened and then said with more emphasis, “You’re pregnant, Mama,” before running off to play. Welp, she was right! I just didn’t know it yet.

Me with my GORGEOUS sister-in-loves. We went to a nice gala January 1st to bring in the new year. The food was amazing. The vibe and music was on par with what I like. And my husband and I were able to be back home at a decent hour that didn’t interfere with my bedtime haha.

This past February, my husband and I celebrated our 9 year marriage anniversary! My mama called and came over to watch the kids while my husband and I grabbed some lunch. Still in my first trimester, I felt quite sick in this photo. I actually ended up grabbing a box of cheese pizza after we left the restaurant to help my stomach settle. That pizza did the trick! Funny how pregnancy impacts the body in different ways. It was a sweet day.

In late February 2024- a polar vortex hit the south. It brought frigid temperatures, snow, and ice. We stayed in the house for a week. We were so thankful that our power didn’t go out and that we were able to fix our heat before the storm hit. As you can tell, our kiddos had a BLAST during that week.

Taking my oldest daughter to her ballet class. At this point in my pregnancy, I was beginning to “show” a little bit more. My daughter enjoys making silly faces.

My husband had a speaking engagement in Nashville. We decided to make it a family trip and take the kids. Months later and our kids still request to go back to “that hotel with the waffles.” Such a sweet memory. In this photo, they had just finished their meals and were anticipating eating their fudge brownie and ice cream (highly recommend this vegan restaurant called “Graze” in Nashville).

We didn’t see this one coming. We live in a townhome and our neighbor had a leak. Well our neighbors were out of town and the leak drifted into our home overnight. We had to get all of our floorboards removed throughout our entire downstairs immediately. For those who understand the nuances of dealing with home insurance, you know that it’s not always a quick process. Thankfully, we worked with an efficient agent. But even still, we were out of our home for about 5 weeks. It was a VERY challenging time. We were staying with my parents at first until one of the kiddos got a fever. Then we switched to a hotel and then the stomach flu swept through myself and all of the kiddos. Taking care of kiddos, in a hotel, pregnant, while cleaning up things coming out of both ends for multiple kids including oneself—I wish upon no one. More challenges came along the way during those 5 weeks, and I could talk at length on those, but I must pause to say that so many blessings came from the leak. One being that we got new floors! Our new floors are simply stunning. We chose a lighter color and the color has made our home feel more open and lively. Because we had to move everything out, I was forced to reorganize the pantry and all of our cabinetry—perfect timing before the baby comes in August. Going through that process made/makes me so thankful that my husband and I have a beautiful home to raise our children in. SUPER GRATEFUL. Many families have temporary residences, live in and out of hotel rooms, or cars—with small children. Honey, you won’t catch me complaining!!!!

Easter Sunday with Family! I was definitely feeling tired in this photo. We were still out of our home at this point due to the leak. I thank God for my mama who HELPED A TON in making sure all of the kiddos had their outfits ready for Easter.

MOVING IN DAY! Look at those gorgeous floors!!

The day after we moved back into our home, we celebrated both our sons’ birthdays. My oldest son had been talking about his birthday for months and we wanted to make sure he still felt celebrated in the midst of so much we had going on. THe Lord is so faithful. With the little preparation I could do, the birthday party turned out better than if I had months to plan. Here’s a pic of my husband and I after the party.

My youngest son, who was turning one, also received his first haircut prior to his birthday party. See pic below.

Us celebrating Mother’s Day. For those who made it this far in the blog post, thanks for reading! I look forward to posting more updates in the months to come.

Always Remember: God is Faithful.

That day I threw out sourdough that took 24+ hours worth of prep work to make. Here's what I learned: Don't manufacture "glory."

It had been a long day.

A previous night doing a few breastfeeding sessions with our teething 11-month-old.

A day of making meals, sweeping crumbs, completing (well, mostly completely) homeschool lessons with my older kids.

Answering endless questions from different kiddos, in no certain order.

Changing diapers, and giving countless redirectives to manage sibling arguments.

While my husband completed bedtime routines upstairs, I snuck downstairs to the kitchen to prep for the next day.

My feet throbbed, reminding this pregnant mama to wind it down sooner rather than later.

But I had one last task on hand to complete: prepping my sourdough to make sandwich loaves in the morning.

I Facetimed my sister to distract me from my own exhaustion, and then I heated the tea kettle to prepare some warm water to pour over my fed starter.

My sis and I kept each other company on the phone with little conversation and 30 minutes later, plastic wrap in hand, I wrapped up my bowl to allow my dough to rise overnight.

By mid-morning the next day, my dough had doubled in size. I wiped down our counters and became excited at the thought of kneading my fermented dough.

Because most of my days were filled with such unpredictability (i.e. meltdowns, spills, accidents, sickness), I found solace when baking bread.

After a few months of baking, I felt a level of control. I discovered that I could get the results that I intended, for the most part. And oh how I loved the results!

I loved the smells that filled our home. I loved hearing my son say on cue, “Mama, this is the best bread ever.” I loved watching my daughter chew and ask for more. It brought a sense of joy that felt… predictable.

I pulled out my two glass containers to set my dough in for its final rise before baking. But first, I needed to knead the dough.

I scraped some dough onto my counter and saw my precious 2-year-old daughter peer over the counter’s ledge to get a better peek. She then used a chair to climb onto the counter to sit in full view of what I was doing. Her eyes danced with innocent curiosity while her body fidgeted from side to side, excited to see what I would do next.

It was true. I was actively living out a scene from a daydream that I probably had as a little girl: being married, having children, and witnessing them stoop themselves up on a kitchen counter to watch their mama knead bread.

I smiled.

But as I kneaded my dough, I noticed something.

A small yellow stream began trickling its way across our countertop and inching closer to the very dough I was kneading.

For one millisecond, I paused….confused.

And then it clicked.

I had previously taken off my 2 year old’s diaper and forgot to put another one on her underneath her pants.

That stream.

That yellow stream.

Dare I say it?

It was….urine.

Nah, let me just say it. PEE!

I screamed in shock.

My daughter looked up in surprise and playfulness. She grinned, happy to see her mama scream like a little girl… like she did so often.

I grabbed her off the counter and placed her feet on the floor.

“Oh baby, we gotta go put your diaper on you first,” I said gently… surprising myself with my own level of calm.

She kept laughing at my previous shriek in the kitchen. She found it so funny.

When I returned to our kitchen counter, that yellow stream had already made its way to the dough.

My dough.

My dough that had taken over 24 hours of prep work. You know that dough that was supposed to now have filled my home with sweet aromas. The dough that would’ve given me the validation that I had done at least one thing right all day amid chaos. Yeah, that dough.

I scooped up the dough, placed it back into the glass bowl, and then did what any rational level-headed mother would do.

I sent a SOS text to my sisters and mama, inviting them to cry with me. They sent back laughing emojis, but that’s beside the point. I called my husband who reasonably assured me that there was no possibility of reviving dough with pee in it.

The day went on and the dough continued to sit on the counter in its glass container. For whatever reason, I couldn’t bring myself to throw it out. Every time I tried, I couldn’t do it.

Why? Was it because the preparation process involved such hard work and sacrifice on my behalf? No. I knew there was something deeper at play.

I couldn’t throw it out, because…well, I looked forward to seeing, feeling, tasting, and basking in my ONE “supposedly” predictable plan coming to fruition. The one thing I thought I could control. The one thing I could tangibly point to and glorify in.

The bread continued to sit on the counter.

By nightfall, I reluctantly tossed the dough into the trash in one quick succession—a moment I had dreaded all day. It became a physical symbol of what my actions often felt like daily...taking one step forward and three steps back (seemingly).

I headed to my room and laid across my bed, thinking about many of the day’s events. I couldn’t shake why throwing my dough out was so hard. Why I wanted to cry (outside of the normal pregnancy hormones.)

And then I felt the Holy Spirit comforting me in the stillness.

He showed me how He received glory that day.

It didn’t come by way of me being able to bake a perfect loaf of bread. It didn’t come by way of me filling my home with a sweet aroma. It didn’t come by way of me seeing the intended fruit of my hands.

The Lord was glorified by the way I gently treated my daughter when that pee touched my dough. By the way I laughed with her when I saw her laughing at me. By the way I continued to welcome her presence in the kitchen even though I felt my entire work was destroyed.

I thought the highlight of my day was going to be baking two perfect loaves of bread and feeling proud.

I never thought that the Lord’s highlight reel would include the way I treated my daughter when my plans were altered.

Why do I share this?

God may be receiving the utmost glory within your life in the midst of you feeling like you’re failing at everything.

The angels may be rejoicing, when you can’t grasp any of your intended accomplishments.

Maybe the goal isn’t physical results, but a Galatians 5 Holy Spirit-bred fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Maybe stop judging your success by the measure of your own standards of success. And stop and assess what God deems to be successful.

Are you bearing eternal fruit that will last through the fire on the Final day? Do you see the fruits of the Spirit being bred in your life?

I know. Maybe your marriage doesn’t look great. Maybe y’all still aren’t in alignment in certain areas of your life…and it’s been years.

But in the midst of what you deem a lack of accomplishment, do you find yourself being more patient with your spouse? Do you find yourself not using those usual demeaning words you’d normally use in an argument? Do you find yourself walking away a little bit more quickly before an argument blows up?

Maybe your child is still acting rebellious. But do you find yourself praying more? Seeking God’s wisdom more diligently? Laying your child before the Lord a little more night after night?

Maybe you still haven’t received a bump in pay at your job yet. But do you find yourself embracing more of a James 1 disposition? Find yourself stewarding the resources the Lord has given you with more wisdom? Find yourself making a business plan that could only be birthed out of current personal frustration?

Maybe you are seeing how generational sins have wrecked your family line, and thereby family members. But are you learning more about how to break generational curses? Are you learning more about your own authority in Christ? Do you find yourself seeking to live a more consecrated life due to seeing the consequences of sin in the lives of those around you?

Let me say it again.

God may be receiving the utmost glory in the midst of you feeling like your life is crumbling or when you feel like you’re failing at everything. The angels may be rejoicing, when you can’t grasp any of your intended accomplishments. Maybe the goal isn’t physical results, but a Galatians 5 Holy Spirit-bred fruit.

Can I be honest with you?

Weeks after that night, I kept going back to the Lord in conversation with questions. I began randomly thinking about ways I thought God would work things out in me and my husband’s life to receive glory. Ways I reasoned God would move so that others would see and throw their hands up and say, “Only God can do something like that!!” I’d daydream of the miracles the Lord could perform in my husband’s and I’s life to make His Name great. In the midst of me thinking, daydreaming, wondering, asking '“why many of my daydreams have not been my lived reality”…the Lord reminded me of many testimonies from the Bible.

Perhaps, I’m in good company.

I imagine Abraham thought similarly.

TO make a great nation through Abraham’s seed, I imagine Abraham reasoned that the Lord would surely bless Abraham with multiple children immediately. Instead, the Lord chose to make a great nation from only one child birthed by Abraham’s wife, Sarah, in Abraham’s old old age.

To show neighboring nations that Israel was mighty and strong, I imagine Gideon probably thought that surely the Lord would raise up mighty men in great number to fight off the 132,000 Midianite men gathered to defeat Israel under Gideon’s leadership. Instead, the Lord told Gideon to only gather 300 men.

The Lord didn’t plan on receiving glory through Israel’s superb fighting skills. He didn’t plan to receive glory through Gideon thinking of a stellar battle plan. Gideon was a farmer, y’all. Instead, the Lord planned to receive glory by His own divine methods: utterly confusing the Midianites and having them defeat themselves.

I imagine Jacob had other plans when He wrestled with the angel of the Lord until the Lord blessed him. The Lord blessed Him all right. And Jacob walked with a limp for the rest of his life: a physical representation of the Lord’s desire for Jacob to live a life of complete dependence on Him.

I could go on.

But I’ll skip to the ultimate example.

We all would’ve thought that the King of all Kings would appear in the flesh, riding on a white horse, prepared for battle, with all His riches in full display for all to see.

Instead, God the Father received glory by sending His Son to be born in a stable with animals, in a town in which many would say “no good can come from,” in a form by which “he had no form or majesty that we should look at him, and no beauty that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. (Isaiah 53: 2-3)” Not only that, but He died a lowly death—on a cross.

Who would’ve thought? Who would’ve thought…this would be the means to glory?

God did.

As a follower of Christ, why make your life the exception?

Don’t manufacture glory in your life. Let the Lord receive it all…however He so desires.

I’m not quite certain how pee touching my sourdough led to these thoughts…but they did.

No matter how my day goes or doesn’t go, may the Lord receive glory from it—is what I’m learning.

So beloved, stop trying to manufacture glory through a certain result. Be the salt and the light of the world and thereby glorify your Father in heaven (Matthew 5:16) through eternal fruit (Galatain 5:22-23 ). Let the results work out for themselves.

We eventually got there hahaha :). My sweet little girl helping her mama in the kitchen.

4 Months Postpartum_ I'm Back After Having Child #4

It’s been a while.

How are you? I seriously would love to know, so feel free to reply in the comments.

I often get the question, “How are you?” and I seem to have trouble coming up with an answer.

I tend to get the question when I’m out with close friends and family and I catch them glance to take in the busyness of our four kiddos in our periphery.

I don’t really know what to say. Each hour, really, has its own theme these days. Sometimes one hour is seamless, and the next… utter chaos. It’s become my normal. I don’t tend to think too much of it at this point.

Sometimes I handle things well. Sometimes, I smile and can’t believe this is the life that God has chosen to bless my husband and me with. And sometimes I pray, “Lord Jesus, make my mansion on the new Earth situated by beautiful waters, with a nice view, and a thriving garden to steward.”

In a loss for words, I pause and simply say, “Good,” not fully knowing what else to say to encapsulate these last four months (it’s been four months since the birth of our youngest son, Eli.)

I’d be here all day describing all the things I’m learning in this season. So… can I just share what I wanna share?! As in, can I share nothing super deep, insightful, or thought-provoking?

1) My family and I joined a new gym and I’ve been swimming y’all! It’s been a literal dream. I learned how to swim a few years ago through my then-neighbor, Ms. Mary, and since then, swimming has been my outlet for praying, working out, and releasing pent-up stress. This new gym that I joined has spa-like features. I swim, go to the steam room, shower, and take my time oiling my body and getting dressed for the day without rushing. It’s absolutely delightful.

It’s the one part of my day where I can actually feel my thoughts slow down and match my breathing…where I can release to God everything I’m thinking and feeling… and where I can escape from all of the noise that comes throughout the day.

2) I treat myself to a really good meal from a restaurant weekly and let me tell you, these dishes are so good. Let me recommend the vegetable plate from Abyssinia and the kale Caesar salad from City Silo. These are both my thing right now haha.

3) Do you have Netflix? When the kiddos went to sleep in the evening, I’d enjoy watching The Break Point and Quarterback. For whatever reason, I love observing how individuals face high-pressure situations and the mindsets they’re forced to obtain to endure. It’s fascinating to me.

4) Lastly, if you know me, you know that I appreciate really good storytelling. Couple that with a testimony of what God has done in someone’s life, and I’m hooked. At night, whenever I have to clean up our downstairs to prep for the next day (which is every day lol!), I plug in my headphones and listen to Delafe testimonies. If you haven’t listened to one, you must! So many powerful testimonies from individuals from all walks of life.

Welp, that’s all for now. My little one is about to wake up from a nap.

Til next time,

Pondered Thought

"I couldn't have imagined a smoother labor and delivery": Positive HomeBirth Story. Baby #4

Sunday, March 12th, 2023.

~39 weeks pregnant

• I woke up feeling exceptionally tired. Tired isn’t the word. I felt exhausted. We ended up streaming church that day, while I tried to lay on the couch as much as I could. For the remainder of the week, I woke up closer to 8AM, barely able to open my eyes. If I could, I would have easily remained in the bed until 11 AM…but you know, I had three other little ones to care for. Apart from my first trimester, I hadn’t felt this level of exhaustion throughout the pregnancy. But the level of tiredness I felt did feel reminiscent to the end of my first pregnancy with my firstborn son. Considering that my last two pregnancies were girls, it made me more convinced that I was carrying a boy this time around.

Wednesday-Thursday March 15th-16th, 2023.

• Mild cramping and lower back pains began. At this point, I could only manage to get through our usual morning homeschool activities. But after lunch, I let the kids independently play with one another while I laid on the couch until my husband came home. I hadn’t experienced period-like cramps with my other pregnancies and the level exhaustion seemed to have been increasing at this point.

Friday, March 17th, 2023

• I had a sudden burst of energy. My mother came over to watch the kiddos while I went out and bought a few plants for the house. I did a few house projects and felt oh-so-satisfied.

Saturday, March 18th, 2023.

• Stronger contractions began anytime I moved around the house. Most noticeably, I began to become easily irritated by the smallest of things. I was very snappy towards my husband, and I didn’t want my kids to touch me. I simply felt annoyed allllllll day and didn’t know why. The contractions weren’t consistent, nor were they very strong, but something was bothering me.

• That night, I went to bed early and slept with a peanut ball between my legs in order to create more room in my pelvic area for the baby to move on down. At this point, I felt very much ready for our baby to be born.

Sunday, March 19th, 2023

12:00 AM

• I woke up out of my sleep due to a very intense contraction. I grabbed my laptop and began watching Abbott Elementary, Season 1 Episode 1. Months prior, I made a list of shows to watch during intense contractions and postpartum nighttime feedings. Well, the contraction I experienced at 12:00AM constituted itself as an “intense” contraction, and so the episode commenced.

• For the next hour, the contractions came and went. They were intense but not super consistent. I used the restroom (i.e. diarrhea) and saw that I had lost my mucus plug. At this point, I reasoned that if I were to go into the labor within the next few hours, I wanted our kitchen and living room to be clean. We planned on having a home birth and the downstairs was a mess. I grabbed my robe and waddled downstairs, where I found my husband asleep on the couch. I began washing the dishes and woke him up to take out the trash and to help me tidy up the living room. My husband had been through enough births to know that when I was operating in a certain “mode,” he didn’t ask questions. He just obliged to any of my “absurd” demands. By 1:30 AM, everything looked to my satisfaction. I texted my midwife and doula to let them know that I had lost my mucus plug and was having more intense contractions-but nothing unbearable. I let them know that I planned on going back to sleep and would update them in a few hours.

5:30 AM

• I woke up again due to contractions and couldn’t lay back down. I texted my midwife and doula again. I knew that these contractions weren’t super intense and so I didn’t tell them to come over just yet.

6:30 AM

• Contractions ceased completely.

• All 3 kiddos woke up.

7:30 AM

• My two oldest got up and got dressed, while my husband made their breakfast. They were excited to go to church, but I knew that I needed to stay home with my husband nearby. I texted my parents to see if my two oldest kiddos could go to church with them. My husband then dropped our oldest two kiddos off with my parents while I stayed home with our one-year-old.

• At this point, I was having contractions- but again, nothing unbearable.

12:00 PM

• I laid back down and began watching Abbot Elementary. Somewhere in the middle of the episode, I fell asleep with the peanut ball in between my legs.

1:00 PM

• I woke up due to a VERY intense contraction. I went to the restroom and straddled my legs around the toilet in reverse to open up my pelvic area more. The contractions began to come full throttle.

1:40 PM

• Within a group chat with my doula, husband, and midwife, I texted my doula and asked her to come over.

• My midwife called me and said that she was on her way. I couldn’t talk through my contractions anymore.

2:15 PM

• My midwife and doula arrived. My midwife checked me and I was 7-9cm dilated. FYI: You only need to be 10cm dilated to begin pushing. My midwife began setting up her equipment and informed her assistants to head on over. My doula and I began to do abdominal lift and tucks during the contractions to help the baby engage the pelvis. After our fourth or so abdominal lift and tuck, I felt lots of pressure in my pelvis and wanted to move downstairs (away from our carpeted floor) in case I was ready to begin pushing.

3:00 PM

• After moving through several contractions downstairs, I moved to our 1/2 bathroom to straddle my legs around the toilet. My midwife reminded me that I typically made the most progress in this position. Sure enough, my water broke minutes later. My baby was moving on down. I recall my midwife saying, “Jessica, do you need to push? I need you to get up.” I wailed back, “I CAN’T. I don’t want to get up!” With this being the third pregnancy that my midwife has overseen, I’ve learned when my midwife is being firm, despite her very very gentle approach. “Jessica, I need you to get up for the safety of the baby.” I got up and went back to the living room for her to check me. I recall needing her reassurance that my contractions were not in vain. “The baby is going down right?” I asked. My midwife retorted, “This baby can’t go any further down,” she looked up with a smile. Even still, I didn’t believe her. I wanted everything to be over. I felt so tired.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

My mom stopped by and tried to stay in the background. My doula asked if it would be good if my mama could hug me for a second. My mom was elated to do so. She gave me a quick hug and kiss before leaving.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

This was me sitting on our toilet in our 1/2 bathroom while going through more intense contractions. At one point, my water broke in this position. How convenient for clean up haha.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

Our one-year-old daughter was waiting to be picked up by my husband’s parents while I was in labor. Isn’t she the cutest?!

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

Listening to my Christian Hypnobirthing App truly helped me breathe through the contractions. I love their visualizations track.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

My husband peeping his head over to see me, while I labored in our 1/2 bathroom. He was simultaneously looking after our one-year-old as well.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

Smiling in between contractions. When you’re not contracting, life feels so normal lol.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

I was minutes away from pushing at this point. My midwife knelt down beside me and whispered the most beautiful prayer over me. She prayed for my strength.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

My doula supporting me through some very intense contractions.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

I knew I could begin pushing but I felt so tired. I asked my midwife if I could just lay down for a second to rest up. She told me I could. She asked my husband to support me from behind. The moment I felt my husband’s touch, my entire body just relaxed all-around. I asked my midwife if I could push from that position and she said I could. I usually pushed my children out on my hands and knees, but I felt so tired and that position on my husband felt too good. I began pushing.

My husband supporting me minutes before I began pushing.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

Baby BOY ARRIVED at 4:04 PM!

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

PURE ELATION! I seriously couldn’t believe that it was all over. I was in complete disbelief.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

The very moment that my husband found out that we had a BOY! This was our first time finding out the gender of our baby.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

My husband’s expression…simply priceless.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

Moments after being born.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

EUPHORIC HIGH.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

My 3 sisters on FaceTime after hearing the news.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

Three generations in one photo. What a gift.

**Photos by sarabethcreative.com

To any beautiful mama about to have her baby. Eat your dates, do your squats, get chiropractic care, go through child birth education classes. But you better not forget this…

“ …apart from me you can do nothing.” -Jesus John 15:5

So pray my sister. And ask those around you to do the same. You got this :)!

Eli James Stephens

7lbs 12 oz

March 19th, 4:04 PM.

Psalm 127:3 “Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.”

Thank you for the prayers, the gifts, the cards, the food, the love. Thank you.

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Yes, I'm Pregnant. Child #4. Here's How I Found Out.

“How many children did you say you wanted?” my beautician asked abruptly.  

All eyes turned to my small demeanor. 

I sat silent.

“Five,”  I said with the utmost confidence, so as to not sound like I was still in elementary school…because I was.

 5th grade to be exact.  

Laughter ensued. 

The most sincere smiles glanced my way.

 I could tell that many wanted to pinch my cheeks, as if such gestures were still allowed at my age.  

“Wait until you have one,” the other beauticians chimed in unison. 

I could see that they held experience. I solely had vision.

That is… until I experienced the birth of my firstborn.

The desire for more kids never waned. A desire that I knew I hadn't conjured up. A desire placed inside me at a young age for some divine reason. 

That is….until the delivery of my second child, Ada Rose. 

One week after her birth, I sat on my couch with our newborn daughter, wondering how in the world other mothers around the world could even desire to have more than two children. I’d just persevered through a natural birth, then through a period of painful afterbirth contractions, and then through too many hours of breast engorgement.

At this point, I felt my hormones dipping quickly and felt a strong need for a good cry. To escape the feeling of loneliness, I chose to distract myself by watching a show on television.

As I began to sink into further despair, wondering when I’d begin to feel “normal” again or happy, I felt the Lord speak. 

Interestingly, I didn’t hear words of comfort from the Holy Spirit.

Instead, the Lord led me to place my hand over my still very mushy womb and make a declaration.

I hesitated for a few minutes. I knew exactly what the Lord wanted me to say aloud,  but I didn’t think I held any level of sincerity to match the coming words. The prompting continued until the words poured forth from my mouth like a dam bursting in great momentum. 

“Lord, this womb is yours,” I said with tears blurring any vision I had while  staring at the screen.  “Have your way. Birth as many precious souls as you so desire through me. I surrender this womb in Your Hands.” 

I felt my words declare something pivotal. It’s a memory forever etched in my short recourse of these last few years.

 A few short months after that moment, my husband and I found out that I was pregnant with our third child, Elena Grace.

She was born in September 2021.

 “When do you want to consider trying again?” I asked my husband when Elena was a few months old.

“I don’t know. But I won’t even consider having the conversations until Elena (our third child) is at least 18 months old to 2 years old.” 

“Yeah, I agree. That way we can enjoy our ten year marriage anniversary,” I smiled playfully, imagining us on a beach in Aruba in the distant future. 

We continued to be asked “the question” by strangers: “ Do you all want any more kids?” 

“ Yeah we do. But we definitely want to wait,” I often stated, with a tone that I hoped conveyed one of a responsible adult.  “There are  a couple of things I’d like to have before getting pregnant again.”  ( A bigger car and a bigger house, for sure- I always thought to myself.)

One morning, my husband took the kids and made their breakfasts while I got some time alone to journal and complete my morning Bible study questions. I went through my routine as normal until one question from my Bible study lesson halted my flow of thought. 

The question stated, “In which ways are you like Peter, walking across the water and not trusting Jesus?”

I couldn’t think of anything and so I asked the Holy Spirit to show me. 

During that time,  I hadn’t really been hearing clearly from the Lord on certain things and so it surprised me when the Lord spoke to me so clearly.

“You’ve been saying that you want to wait to have your next child until you have a bigger house and a bigger car, but I tell you that when you get pregnant again IT WILL BE THE PERFECT TIMING.” 

I wrote what I heard so clearly and moved on in answering my other Bible study questions. 

“How was your time with the Lord?” my husband asked after I returned downstairs to the kitchen. 

I turned to the sink and began washing dishes. “It was good, but I got the strangest conviction about something.”  I shared with him what I felt the Lord was saying and we both shrugged our shoulders and carried on about our days. 

Neither of us knew that…

 I was already pregnant with our fourth child.  

 When I  found out privately, I didn’t know how to respond. But I felt that my response to this news was crucial, spiritually. With the pregnancy test still in my hand, I dropped to my knees and said, “Thank You Lord for this child. I trust You.” 

When my husband found out, he thought he misread the results of my test at first. He laughed in disbelief.

“You for real?” he asked.

“Yeah”

“Wait….how?” he asked. We were actively avoiding a pregnancy. 

“Well, praise the Lord,” he exclaimed and kept laughing. 

Later on, the Lord gave me another Word from Him with the same level of clarity and distinction as His first message to me. 

“You are blessed and highly favored,” I heard during my alone time the very next morning. Despite what our bank account showed. Despite the long list of “wants” I still desired. Despite what others saw, I was  blessed and highly favored.  I am blessed and highly favored. 

We are expecting our fourth child– Spring 2023. 

And we couldn’t be happier.

P.S. I’m currently 23 weeks pregnant. I’ll be sharing soon how the Lord has been crazy blessing us  throughout this pregnancy!! I CANNOT keep the detailings of His specific hand of favor and sovereignty over my family’s life to myself. Will be sharing in full soon.  

Psalm 127:3-5 

Children are a heritage from the Lord,

    offspring a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

    are children born in one’s youth.

Blessed is the man

    whose quiver is full of them.

They will not be put to shame

    when they contend with their opponents in court.

Be careful to not call a burden what the Lord considers of the utmost blessing. 

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