One night in college, a friend of mine could hardly contain a new-found revelation she received from the Lord.
“Jessica, I’m just now seeing it. The Lord showed me that when Jesus came to Earth, He could’ve done certain miracles that would’ve placed a tremendous amount of fear into the hearts of the people. He could’ve blown fire down from heaven at any moment’s notice, marshaled hosts of angels from heaven to appear instantaneously, or incited any sort of plague against those who opposed Him. But I think He didn’t do that because He didn’t want people to submit to Him out of fear and intimidation. He wanted people to submit to Him out of love. His miracles revealed His love and character, and in response, many people submitted. ”
It was quite a profound revelation.
Looking at Jesus’ example, I have one question for godly husbands today:
What type of respect do you really want?
Do you want your wife to respect you out of fear and intimidation, or out of love for your personhood, character, and seen example?
I believe the former has caused some men to exhibit misogynistic, aggressive, and intimidating behavior that is both unbiblical and deeply troubling.
Jesus never demanded respect.
It was freely given to Him by those who had ears to hear and eyes to see.
Looking at the example of Jesus, I want to give you some insight into what draws wives into naturally giving the respect you desire and need.
If I were talking to wives, I’d emphasize that respect and submission is not conditional (meaning it shouldn’t be given or taken away based on the behavior of one’s husband).
But since I’m speaking to you, here are a few things you can do that will naturally drive your woman to want to respect, submit to, and follow you. (SN: All the credit to my husband Evan for making this blog post easy to write. He truly allows me to see his growth in all of these areas every single day.)
Openly confess your sins, tell her your weaknesses, and admit when you are wrong
My husband shared with me recently that most men live with the hidden fear of being found “inadequate.” Satan loves to drive men to live with this fear for their entire lives. Therefore when many/some men get married, they put on a mask because they don’t want their wives to see the baggage they really carry. But can I let you in on a secret? Most women saw many of your imperfections even before saying “I do,” even if you didn’t. And guess what? She still chose you.
The sexiest and the strongest thing you can do is be vulnerable with your wife regarding your fears, hidden sins, and struggles. Because in doing so, your wife gets a glimpse of your true humility. Christ displayed the perfect example of humility while in the flesh. Although Christ was perfect and never needed to confess sin, you doing so is still a reflection of Christ, because it reflects that same humility.
She didn’t marry you because she needed you to be Superman. Instead, she needs you to constantly point to the One who is.
When you do that, even if it’s not well received at first, please know that your example in doing this is appreciated and opens up the opportunity for your wife to do the same.
When a wife knows that her husband is one who isn’t ashamed of being vulnerable with her, it breeds respect. It may sound counterintuitive, but trust me on this.
Keep Your Word
Keep your word, even in the little things. When your wife knows that she can rely on you to do what you say, she naturally feels secure, protected, and loved. Yes, taking out the trash when you say you will can induce these deep feelings. So be very careful when you say you're going to do something. Because when you don’t, it can breed a sense of insecurity and instability in your wife that can manifest in ways that you’d find disrespectful later on.
I’ve seen too many older women who do “everything” not because they want to, but because they’ve lived in years of disappointment and resentment towards the indifference and passivity of well-meaning husbands who didn’t realize that being intentional and consistent in the little things was actually a big deal. This breach in trust led to them questioning their husband’s ability to pick up the kids from school on time, to pay bills, to schedule certain appointments, or to stick with the budget.
Many husbands don’t realize that nagging is actually an unhealthy weed that grows from your wife not seeing you doing what you say you’re going to do. While this disrespect is completely unjustifiable it’s helpful for you to know where it stems from.
You may think it’s not a big deal to break your word here and there, but trust me, you don’t want to deal with the weeds later.
Let your “yes be yes” and let your “no be no.” Again, I must emphasize that no one is perfect! So go back to #1 when you find yourself not keeping your word...even in the little things. Confess to your wife and work to overcome that challenge by God’s grace
Personally sacrifice...even if it costs you more than you desire
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” Ephesians 5:25
“A man lays down his life for his wife.” What imagery comes to mind when you read this? Do you picture a movie scene where a burglar tries to break into your home and you jump in front of your wife right before the assailant pulls the trigger? No? You can tell, I have an imagination huh?
Well, no matter what valiant imagery comes to your mind when you read that phrase, laying down your life for your wife can often be simpler than you think.
It can look like arranging for her to take a weekend away to rest while you care for the home and kids (my husband did this for me recently, and wow did it mean the world to me!).
It can look like patiently listening to another story about her day, filled with too many details you don't really care to hear, but listening anyway with as much enthusiasm as you can muster.
It can look like not retaliating when she lashes out at you, because you know it’s just that time of the month or pregnancy hormones (my poor husband has dealt with this so graciously all too often).
It can look like cooking dinner, washing dishes, or giving her a massage.
And sometimes it can look like you simply watching that RomCOM on TV with her, going to Target and walking through the Home section with her, desiring to listen to whatever music/podcasts she’s listening to these days, or doing whatever activity she’s been asking you to do with her.
Women have a natural tendency to sacrifice and give their families more of themselves than what they actually possess.
No matter who you are, it’s really hard for a wife not to respect a man who sacrifices. In return, she’ll want to serve you even more. That’s how we women are wired. But here’s one word of advice: listen to what she’s been subtly already asking you to sacrifice and don’t create areas of sacrifice that she never asked of you to do. That will only leave you resentful if she doesn’t appreciate that particular sacrifice. Every woman is different. Whereas one wants you to surprise her with a trip to the mall, another may just want you to take a walk with her outside.
Know your wife, and give of yourself in the way that will mean the most to her personallyTell her one thing you appreciate about her daily
Your words probably got you that second date, so continue to woo her with your words. Every wife desires to be seen and acknowledged. Every day, look for one thing that you appreciate about your wife and what she does and simply let her know. When you see Jesus writing letters to the seven churches in the book of Revelation, before granting a word of rebuke, He listed one thing that He loved about that particular church. Go read it. It’s quite beautiful (Revelation 2-3). So tell your wife just 1 thing daily that you love. Do you admire how diligent she is in her career pursuits; or do you admire how she takes time to make dinner; or do you admire her pursuit of God? Tell her one thing you admire and be as specific as possible. For instance, “you look beautiful” is nice but try this: “I know that you have little time on your hands these days, but you always manage to step out of the house looking like the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen . I don’t know how you manage to do it but I’m one blessed man.” Talk that talk, fellas! Your woman needs to hear it from you.
I conclude with emphasizing that your wife’s respect shouldn’t be conditional. This blog post is merely meant to give some insider tips into what will naturally drive your wife to respect you for your personhood, character, and example.
Lastly, I must end this by saying thank you to Evan, my husband, and the sexiest man alive. Thank you Ev for constantly growing into these qualities for me to see. Your leading example made this blog post truly easy to write, because the traits I am encouraging other men of God to embrace, I see you work to embody more and more every day…seriously, thank you.