Waiting to Kiss...Our Story

-----Describes a time before marriage

Waiting to Kiss...

Nothing compared to the storm raging inside us as our arms linked together and kisses poured forth. I hadn’t seen Evan in more than 6 weeks, and the passionate welcoming—as privacy ensued unnoticed by the closing of the door—quickly resulted. My mind clouded out clear judgment as lust poured forth with quick vengeance.

“Lord is this pleasing to you?” I pleaded as the wave of emotion fought to bring down any moment of reason.

I quickly felt assurance that it indeed was not. Unfortunately,  I proceeded anyway. I justified my decision by acknowledging that I was only expressing pure love through a passionate kiss. What could it hurt? Nonetheless, the sweet communion with the Lord that I was experiencing, moments before Evan’s appearing, quickly dissipated.

“Lord, is...this  pleasing... to you?”

Coming to my senses, I realized that I was about to be late for my hair appointment. Thankful for the abrupt end to a passionate kissing session, I told Evan that I needed to go and he gladly volunteered to drive me to my appointment. While he drove, I thought carefully on the possibility of engaging in a relationship with Evan without the sweet benefits of kissing. In all honesty, kissing was something I looked forward to the most when Evan and I were separated.

Evan and I were both Sophmores in college and were in a long distance relationship. We met in high school and had been going on four years in dating at the time. Due to going to separate colleges, Evan and I mainly saw each other when we were home for break. And when we saw one another, kissing was a central theme.

 In high school, our friends considered it strange that Evan and I were dating without engaging in sex. While others thought this to be strange, Evan and I thought it to be preposterous to be in a relationship and not kiss. "Oh, how strange that would be!" we often thought. 

As I sat in the car waiting to be dropped off, I couldn’t shake the fact that me kissing Evan was not pleasing to the Lord. But what was the alternative? It seemed impossible. While I was in a flood of thoughts, Evan pulled up to my beauty shop and characteristically stated, “Give me a kiss.” I looked forward to the separation from Evan so that I could think about this curveball that I felt the Lord was throwing at me.

The next day, Evan invited me over to his parents’ house. I put my cute black dress on & boots, grabbed my brown bag, and left my house. Once I arrived, we spoke with his parents but in a moment of privacy, we kissed. I pulled away and tried to gather my words.

“What?” Evan asked, knowing something was on my mind.

“Can we do a Holy kiss?” I said (insert don't judge me LOL).

The night before, I read the epistles and read how Paul said to greet others with a kiss. In my naivete, I took this to mean that perhaps I can kiss but maybe there is holy and unholy way.

“Jessica, what is that?” he said, while beginning to cautiously laugh.

I didn’t know exactly how to demonstrate it, but I knew that whatever we had been doing—wasn’t bringing the Lord pleasure. I wanted to think of a way to kiss that perhaps brought pleasure. With amusement, Evan complied to play along. But the opposite of “holy” kisses quickly prevailed. I left his house completely surrendered. As I pulled away in my dad’s truck, I told the Lord clearly that if He wanted us to not kiss that He would have to make it work because I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t do it. He would have to figure out a way because, holy or unholy, my flesh wanted Evan.

That night, I fell asleep while contemplating why the Lord expected me to do this.

Why take away this one physical pleasure when Ev and I were not having sex?

The next morning, I woke up earlier than usual. I was on a school break and had more than enough time to sleep in. But I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. To my utter shock, upon swallowing, a sharp pain resulted. I had a severe sore throat. I hadn’t been sick in MONTHS, and when I did get sick, it  resulted in a sinus infection mostly—never a sore throat. It was 5AM in the morning when the text came through Evan’s phone.

“We can’t kiss anymore. I’ll explain later,”  I texted.

Evan, being an early bird, called me shortly after. I explained to him the bidding of the Holy Spirit, the prayer, the sore throat, everything. By this time, I didn’t need another sign. Some may have thought it a coincidence, but the Lord made it very clear to me that although I couldn't stop kissing in my own strength, if I surrendered, He'd find a way to help me to do so.  Kissing wasn’t the issue. The real issue was that I couldn’t kiss Evan without falling into a state of lust, which happened to linger long after the actual kiss itself.

Later that day, Evan and I met at the park. We were so accustomed to hanging out and kissing, and so it was a bit awkward understanding how we were to hang out without such a defining activity in our relationship. As we sat in the car, we couldn’t help but laugh.

“So how long is this supposed to last? Like is this just temporary or…” Evan asked.

I didn’t know. I just knew that kissing wasn’t pleasing to the Lord. And I clearly didn’t know how nor understand how to kiss in such a way that would bring "Him" pleasure.

“I don’t know. I just know that we aren’t supposed to,” I said.

So there we sat in the car at the park, watching the lake in front of us. As we talked and laughed, the lack of kissing didn’t quiet our physical longing, but increased it that much more.  

Who was I kidding? I couldn’t do this.

And just as quickly as hopelessness tried to set in, the Lord led me to imagine Himself sitting behind us. The image of His sweet presence sobered me in a way that is a bit indescribable. I realized that I was Christ's daughter and Evan was His son. Interestingly enough, remembering that Christ was always in our Presence, placed things in perspective. I wasn’t just lusting for Evan, I was lusting for my Saviour’s Son; and I, Christ’s wife, was lusting for another man.

We made it through the first date without slipping. Not realizing the extent to God’s grace, He allowed us to not kiss until we became husband and wife, 3 years later.  SUCH GRACE—not kidding.

As time went on, I would sometimes look back and wonder why the Lord spoke to me and not to Evan. It wasn’t until later that Evan reluctantly revealed to me that he too felt that the Lord was telling us not to kiss 3 years prior to the Lord speaking to me (when we were in high school). Due to not seeing how, Evan ignored it.

“Always have a listening ear would seemingly be the lesson learned from this experience”, but instead , I’d say this—when God speaks, He’s not expecting us to do anything in our own strength. When He speaks, trust that He will, or already has, provided you with a way to fulfill what He has initially commanded through the power of the Holy Spirit.

1 Peter 1 : 3

“ 3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.”

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When my Husband splashed me with cold water...

I sat the pot down and looked at the clock. 7:20 AM

Ok, 10 minutes to make my smoothie, pack my bag, and fix my salad. Perfect. At least, I have more time than I did yesterday to get to work.

Though still in focus mode whilst several tabs appeared open in my headspace, Evan’s next statement quickly succeeded in interrupting the flow of my thoughts.

“Let’s cook on Wednesday.”

Evan and I planned to host a couple coming in from out of town, and knowing my workload that week, I successfully planned, if I can say so myself, to pick up a pizza from Costco, make a nice cute salad and a quick dessert. That way I could get home, clean up, light some candles, and still have a good meal prepared.

“No Ev, I planned for us to do pizza...I plan on cooking Saturday when they spend the night again.”

“I think it’d be a good idea to cook. In fact I’ll cook.” He then went on to state this elaborate menu, that he planned to cook. It sounded great, however, his willingness to take on this task failed to resolve the mounting weights being placed on my shoulders with every proceeding word delivered from his mouth.

I needed more verification so as to remove each weight one block at a time.

“So you’ll clean the kitchen before you cook?”

"Yes," he said. 

“And you’ll clean up after you cook?”

"Yes."

“And you won’t ask me for any help on how to cook whatever you cook?"

"Yes."

And then I went on to repeat each statement again, unconsciously, so as to remove the inevitable weights that still appeared to be weighing on my body—though without reason.

What is it? Why do I still feel burdened? Why am I responding to his request with anxiousness? Why can’t we just do it my way and carry on our merry, oh so happy, way? I thought to myself.

I didn’t let it end there. My tone became more impatient, my tolerance obliterated in explosion due to utter annoyance, and goodness….could he answer this last question a little more quickly? I think I have 3 more minutes before needing to leave. 

He called me out on my tone, and after gently correcting me...said

“I love you, beautiful.”

Nah huh. Why are you saying randomly that you love me? And ah, don’t call me beautiful. Please...don’t be nice to me right now. Let’s get back to business and talk about this pizza and dessert.

And Evan, don’t look at me like that..please don’t look at me like you …did when we were 16. Like you did on our wedding day. Like you do in moments when no one is looking.  Like you are doing right now. Those unwavering eyes reminding me that your love is a commitment and not a fleeting feeling that depletes upon disagreement.

And like that, I slowly felt my heart relinquish my hardened heart that worry and anxiety sought to embitter. He simply smiled calmly as the sincerity in his eyes cut too swiftly and precisely at the unseen depths of my heart. He continued smiling with an air of peace and confidence, as if to say that what i interpreted from his eyes proved to be indeed true.

I suddenly felt uncomfortable and quietly ashamed as his words  allowed the previous conversation to dissipate slowly and yet quickly into another world.

Proverbs 25: 21-22

If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat;

           And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink;

     22For you will heap burning coals on his head,

           And the LORD will reward you.

I reacted to Evan as though he were my enemy, and I his. Instead he gave me a splash of cold water on the heap of burning coals upon my head with one statement.

Evan gave me what I needed, even though I didn’t ask for it. Not necessarily food. Nor water. But Love, which symbolically encompasses both.

(It ended up… we neither had to get pizza nor did we have to cook at all lol. For our friends never came over to spend the night lol.)

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