Deadline at hand, I sat in the library at my computer, while wrestling with an increasing inward annoyance that began to become stronger by the day. I felt my world crumbling from the outside, and all of my ways of medicating the discomfort—through food, affirmation from my then boyfriend, academic success, a written schedule (to distract me from my own thoughts), facebook scrolling, going out and dancing—all failed. I unconsciously turned to every single thing that brought me satisfaction in the past. It was like someone had frozen all of my bank accounts, and like a credit card that seems to decline, I stood in the cashier line pulling out every single card in my possession, hoping for some return. Without realizing what was going on, I inwardly began to give up.
I don’t know if you’ve ever felt it or experienced it. It’s almost like the nostalgia of childhood comes to an end and that inner joy and peace that you once felt, simply for just “being,” dissipates. The hopeful eyegate of the world grows dim, and life doesn’t seem so pleasant anymore. Some may feel it at the age of 12, others decades later. For me, it happened when I was 19.
During Finals of my Freshman year in college, for lack of better words, I felt totally and utterly...empty.
If you’re reading this and know what I’m talking about, you understand that it’s not something that you can readily explain without experiencing it. If you are reading this, and nodding your head in agreement, mainly because you are feeling it now, there’s hope.
After turning to every single thing that I thought would satisfy my gnawing longing for “more,” He found me. I wasn’t looking for HIm. I wasn’t searching diligently for HIs truths. He simply found me. The ways in which He did are for another blog post. But the revelation received when He did, is the essence of what I want to convey. You can go through this life searching and looking for more. And maybe you find it. But I can guarantee you, that sooner or later-- that longing will reappear. That thing that you once found satisfaction in, will disappoint. And that emptiness in which I describe, will become a reality once again.
When Christ found me, I thought (like everything else) the love and peace that I felt would go away with time. I literally counted the months until I’d go back to my old habits, my old ways, and my old desires. Though I stray from His fold many times, upon my return, the same love and peace that I felt years ago remains the same. He doesn’t change. His presence is just as addicting. His security is just as promising. His forgiveness is just as powerful to wash away my dirt. And HIs fullness is always available.
I encourage you, whether you know Christ or not, if you are sensing this longing, like a babe in the arms of his mother, simply give up and ask the Lord to “find you.” He’d be happy to leave 99 of his righteous sheep to find the one.
Confess that you are a mess and in need of help. I promise, as He is a loving Father, He will beckon your call. The way in which He chooses to pick you up into His arms may not always feel pleasant in the moment. Sometimes, it may feel like He is hurting you further. But this is a lie. He desires more than anything to be intimate with you. But You have to trust HIm.
My only encouragement is that once you are in His arms, don’t push away. Don’t try to fix yourself up further. Simply just “be.”