A Man Stole My Cellphone in Whole Foods, Then Returned It To Me

Have you seen War Room?

It’s a movie about the power of prayer. The most memorable scene in the film occurs when an elderly lady is robbed at knifepoint. In typical thematic fashion, the elderly woman stared at her perpetrator point-blankly and stated, “Now you put that knife down right now, in the name of Jesus!”

And then he did. 

I can’t lie, sometimes I act this scenario out in my head. I imagine what I’d do if someone were to try to harm me or my children. And then I think back on this film. I envision myself saying “In the name of Jesus” and then the heavens part and a flame of fire descends on the attacker, while I stand heroically saying, “No one messes with a child of God.” Of course, I then walk away while others look on in amazement. 

Well, something sort of like this actually happened in real life. Except, I didn’t have that big self-congratulatory moment in the end. It was more like me awkwardly standing in awe. Confused. Trying to process what God had just done. 

A few months ago, Evan Sr. (husband) and I left church and headed to Whole Foods to pick up a few items. Evan Sr. dropped me and our 8-month old son off in front of the store (our son was very clingy at this age and also wanted to get out of his carseat), while he circled the block. I grabbed the few items that we needed, and then made my way quickly to the cashier.

 Reaching for my phone to call my husband to meet us out front, I discovered that my phone was missing. I had it moments earlier in a small opening in the grocery cart (I know, probably not the best place). And so a logical guess would be that it fell out as I was walking to the cash register. But the moment I realized my phone was missing, I had the unmistakable feeling that it was stolen. 

Making my way to Customer Service, I explained to the rep my situation: 

“Hi, this is an odd request but my phone was just stolen (I felt so sure).  Could I use your phone to call my husband?” 

Before I move forward, you have to understand Chicago. There are sides to Chicago that feel uppity, foreign, and cold and certain persons give off that vibe. Then there are sides to Chicago that can make you feel like you’re sitting on your grandmother's fluffy carpeted floor, watching reruns of Sanford and Son, and eating apple pie and homemade ice cream on a Sunday afternoon.  

The lady at customer service reflected the latter.

“What’s your number? What Ima do is, call your phone, and then you walk around the store and see if you hear it ringing.” 

I loved her already.

Before I knew it, Evan Jr. and I were walking the perimeter of the store inching our ears to hear a ring. Coming around the corner, I saw the lady at customer service heading in our direction, walking at a pace of purpose. 

“Okay I saw him! He’s in a black trench coat and walked out the door and headed towards Office Depot. You can catch him now if you leave! I called your number twice and heard it on him, but you gotta head out right now!” she said in one incredible breath. 

“Ohhh… I can't do that. Lemme call my husband first.” I said, amazed (and slightly concerned)  by her boldness. 

“Well, okay. But you really could just catch up to him. You’ll be fine,” she said, while leading me back to her station

By this time she had a customer she needed to service. This meant that I had to wait until she was done servicing the customer before I could call Evan Sr.

  I knew that Evan Sr. had probably grown concerned due to the amount of time I’d been in the store up until that point. There was absolutely no way for me to contact him and the customer in front of me was taking an unusually long time to be helped. Finally, I just turned around and asked a stranger for his cell phone.

I called Evan and he immediately answered.

“Hey Bae, someone just stole my phone. The customer service lady called it and said she heard a guy walking out with it and heading towards Office Depot. Could you track my location?” 

Evan Sr. had already interjected a few times (with a few emphatic words) in the middle of me explaining, but then he quickly got off the phone upon hearing two words: track location.

So there I stood in line. Evan Sr. and I got off the phone without any sort of plan for what I was to do or agreed upon meeting place for me to be picked up at. Either way, I still needed to purchase my food items and so when I was finally next in line to check out, I pulled out my items to be scanned. 

“Did you get your phone?” the customer service lady asked, while bagging my items. 

“No.” 

Pulling out my card to pay, I looked up for a second and made eye contact with a young man. A young man who was heading in my direction from across the store. Whose eyes were solely locked in on me. 

Trench jacket. 

He came closer, and when he was one foot away from me, he pulled out my phone and politely asked, “Is this yours?” 

Without waiting for an answer (I must’ve nodded my head speechless), he dropped the phone in my hands and then turned around and headed towards the exit. 

I stood paralyzed. Completely shocked.

Bagging the last few items, the customer service lady saw the entire event transpire. Yet, she didn’t look the least bit surprised.

“Yeah. See, some people can still make the right choice. I spoke to him on the phone and he told me that he was going to come back and give you the phone,” she said without blinking.

“Wait. So you spoke to him on the phone when you called?”

“Yeah.” She, continued bagging while looking down. Then she continued. “He said that he’d passed Office Depot and figured that it was his lucky day, but then he started to feel really bad and said he was going to turn around. Alright, Here’s your receipt.” 

And just like that, I was on my way, phone in hand.

 I called Evan Sr. and made it to the car safely with our baby boy. 

Evan Sr. pulled up and I opened the door to the backseat. 

“How’d you get your phone?” Evan Sr. asked bewildered. 

 He kept talking while I strapped Evan Jr. into his car seat.  I didn’t answer. So my husband continued talking.

“I tracked your location and it was near Office Depot but then it started to head back towards Whole Foods,” he said, desiring an answer to his initial question. 

I climbed into the passenger's seat, buckled my seatbelt, and then stared out the windshield in pure awe. 

As we drove home that day, I gave Evan Sr. the complete rundown as to what happened.

A man stole my phone at Whole Foods, left the premises, and then voluntarily returned in person to give it back to me.

No fear of consequences, no fear of my reaction, no fear of me potentially calling the police.

He just walked up to me and gave me my phone, as if nothing happened. 

It didn’t make sense.

Later on that night, Evan and I watched a movie, made sure that no locators or bugs were placed on my phone, spoke about our day’s events some more, and then settled into bed. But before going to sleep, I continued to reflect on the day’s events. I found myself asking the same question, “Why?” Why would someone steal something...get away with it...and then turn around voluntarily and return it?  

And that's when I felt the sweet response. I received the answer in my heart.  

“No one messes with a child of God.”  

“18 I will love You, O Lord, my strength.
2 The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;
My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
3 I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised;
So shall I be saved from my enemies.”

— Psalm 18:1-3

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Avoiding God and don’t know why? 1 practical habit to implement now.

I’m a loyal Costco shopper. I was before getting married, after getting married, and even moreso after having a child. I love everything about it. I love the deals on household appliances, on clothes, and especially on the frozen organic fruit and vegetable section. And did you know about their gas prices? Anywho, on any given week, you'll find me strolling the aisles of Costco, breathing in the familiar fragrance of…bland air.

A couple of weeks ago, I walked down an aisle containing endless amounts of chips. For anyone who knows me, I love quality potato chips. So I grabbed a bag of the Kirkland’s Krinkle cut kettle chips with the Himalayan salt.

In no time I was driving on a Chicago highway with one hand on the wheel and the other hand effortlessly mining through this huge bag of chips like a professional.

The chips were so good that I found myself eating them a couple of days later... for breakfast. No warm water with lemon. No supplements. No smoothie. Instead, I couldn’t wait to taste the pure saltiness and greasiness of these chips right when I first woke up. It didn’t end there though. My cravings turned into wanting salt’s feigned cousin... sugar. Therefore, shortly after, I found myself eating some good dark chocolate and vegan ice cream for dinner. No lentils. No sweet potatoes. No salad. I didn’t care. Let’s just say, I enjoyed myself.

How’d I end up there? It’s really not that deep. Through a set of daily choices, I quickly trained my tastebuds to crave fat, salt, and sugar.

What is deep though, is how often we end up developing spiritual cravings that are just as strong and just as unhealthy. Things that once gave us periodic pleasure become items we can’t live without.

Allow me to explain.

During the week of my potato chip episode, I coincidentally had been struggling in my relationship with God. Simply put, I’d been avoiding Him.

Nothing major happened that caused this shift in my pursuit of the Lord. In fact, life was going well. The moments of me coming close to insanity as a stay at home mom, with a new child, were becoming less frequent. My husband and I were in a really good place maritally. And my schedule was becoming more pleasant on a day to day basis. So things were good. But for whatever reason, I found myself avoiding God. Call it a spiritual attack... or spiritual laziness, but all I know is, deep down, getting through the day become more of a priority than encountering God throughout my day.  

Here’s how it happened and how I came to the realization.

First my mornings became more busy than usual. One day led to another and I found myself not spending time alone with God. In doing this, I started to feel an odd loneliness. Almost like an emptiness. But I was feeling it unconsciously because I didn’t make the connection between my lack of spending time with God and this empty feeling.

Therefore, I chose to busy myself more to escape the feeling. The more time that passed, the more the idea of reading the Bible appeared less appealing and more burdensome (see how Satan works?). Housework and Podcasts appeared as more credible escapes and outlets then plugging into the Ultimate Source.

Suddenly, I had everything to do and so little time to do them.

But secretly, I didn’t mind. Because deep down, I desired to hide behind my schedule as the reason why I couldn’t spend time in God’s Presence (or rather in the awareness of His Presence).  Anytime I did squeeze my devotional somewhere in the day, I dreaded it and mainly did it out of obligation.

Everything culminated when my husband had to go out of town for work. I’m used to him traveling, but this time, I felt down even before he left. Like I was sad an entire 48 hours before he left. Once he did leave, an incredible level of loneliness shrouded my being and before I knew it, I felt myself craving noise. Be it social media, youtube videos, even good sermons. I needed some kind of noise to distract me from what I was feeling.

I felt myself literally turning to everything else...except God.

With my husband being gone, I found myself with more time on my hands and even more excuses as to why I just didn’t have to just “Be still and know that He was God.”

On the second or third day of my husband’s absence, my son and I sat down to read a children’s book gifted by his grandparents. The book was entitled “Good Good Father” by Chris Tomlin and Josh Barrett. This activity was not out of the usual, because I attempt to read at least one story to my son every day (even though I sometimes wonder if my son appreciates my voice inflections, sound effects, and careful pauses between pages, since he often chooses to chew on another book or open and close drawers a few feet away).

But that day as I read, something strange happened. My son decided to chew on another book as usual. But the strange part was that I myself became unawaringly engrossed in the storyline of this new book. This little bear was hoping to bring the perfect gift to the King in order to win the King’s approval. Therefore, taking the advice of so many different animals, the little bear brought the King a plethora of gifts.  But by the end of the story, the little bear realized that all the King wanted was the little bear. The little bear was the perfect gift. Y’all, I got choked up.

I felt the Holy Spirit trying to get my attention. There was a brief pause. A brief moment in which I felt my Lord waiting for me to respond to His open invitation for me to simply walk through the door and return to our usual communion.

 But I craved more noise. The dishes could be washed. Another blog post could be written. I could return more calls and texts. Baby Evan needed my attention. And so I ignored the brief trickled tear and busied myself on to the next task.

But everything reversed through one habit the Lord taught me to implement later on that week. It made me stop in my tracks, stop running from Him without reason, and retract from the noise and distraction.

Here it is—Choose God first in the morning.

Not because you “have to,” but because you get to. Similar to how a salty chip set off my taste buds for the day towards craving salt and sugar, what you initially feed your Spirit can set a trajectory for what you inwardly desire throughout the day.

I realize now that it is critical for me to begin my day hearing God’s whisper before I amp up the noise. What I mean by this is that before I listen to the news, turn on a video, check my text messages, and scroll through social media, I can hear God so much more clearly when I choose Him first.

I can also feel most satisfied when I allow my hunger to be met by His manna before I devour empty junk. This is not meant to be legalistic. Literally just 2 days ago,  I set out to do my devotional and baby Evan had a huge blowout which caused me to have to give him a bath and then I decided to shower and then he was hungry...and so the day went. But whenever the Lord graces my day to do so, it’s been a joy to wake up with His love and His Word being the first thing to quench my thirst.

Sometimes this looks like me devouring just one verse, and sometimes this looks like me devouring a couple of chapters. Sometimes this looks like me journaling and praying and worshiping for half an hour and sometimes this looks like me only being able to say a quick prayer before the baby wakes up. Lately, this has looked like me waking up and simply not doing anything but stopping and receiving God’s love by asking “Abbah Father, how much do you love me? What do you love about me?” and then simply basking in His love so that I can love others.  My point is this: Choose God first. I deeply believe He will honor your time with Him when you do this. Just try it!

(Why do I think this habit is so effective? I don’t believe God desires to compete with your noise. I often desire for Him to yell and scream over the bussiness of my life in order to grab my attention. But what I’m learning is that He loves to whisper. Anyone can yell to someone miles away. But a whisper is heard to the one who is nearby. He loves when we are close! He doesn’t move, but we often wander.)  

PonderedThought:

What do you feed yourself at the start of your day? What do you allow your eyes to consume when you first wake up? Do you check your email, social media, or text messages first thing? Do you turn up the noise before hearing God’s whisper?  I challenge you to set out by choosing the Lord’s manna, which is His Word, and talking to the Lord first. When you do, share with me and with others what happens.

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On my wedding day...I didn't know I'd be saying "I do" to this.

Sometimes I look at him and wonder. I wonder where the butterflies went, the sweaty hands that suddenly found stability, the upset stomach that sequestered calm, and the frantic eyes that somehow steadied. I look at my husband and am more drawn into the mystery of what brought us together.

Of course, his charm, his humor, and his really good looks helped. But more deeply, I wonder what made us say “yes” to each other and “no” to the rest. Was it my go-to perfume that put his head in a daze? Or was it my sharp sass that held him in want? Was it his swag coupled with quick wit that kept me on my toes? I point largely to the exterior, not due to vanity but due to the fact that without any other reason,  I don't know what brought us together, what made our eyes lock into one, and what made our hearts pant deeply for one another...except for God.

On our first date, we didn’t discuss the number of children we wanted, where we desired to live long-term, the percentage of our check we’d like to see in our 401K, or our anticipated parenting styles. We talked. We laughed. And an uncanny chemistry drew us closer and wouldn’t let us go.

You see the older I get, the more this mystery becomes of growing intrigue. Because when I said “I do,” I really didn’t know exactly what I’d be saying “I do” to.

I didn’t know I’d be saying “I do” to a man who held strong faith in God when we were unexpectedly down to 1 income 3 months after marriage. One who’d try to understand me when I was PMSing and I needed a huge hug right around my waist (but not too tight). One who didn’t make fun of me when I was having extreme pregnancy hormones and missed my mom and sisters and decided to watch Steel Magnolias at 4 AM on a Sunday morning, wept loudly at the end, and then proceeded to get dressed for church as if nothing happened.

I didn’t know I said “I do” to a man who is an amazing father and who cherishes greatly the legacy he passes down.  I didn’t know I said “I do” to a visionary, to one who asks “why” at the most inopportune, yet crucial times, and one who debates me for fun or for my sheer annoyance.  I didn’t know I said “I do” to these things, and yet I did.

Sure, we dated for a long time, talked seriously about our future goals, discussed our compatibility and sought pre-marital counseling. But even with all of these things, saying “I do” took a leap of faith. For when anyone says “I do,” one can’t see the coming arguments, the full extent of a spouse’s sinful condition, all of the difference of opinions, nor life’s different trials that comes with simply living.

And yet every argument my husband and I have, every sinful condition we wrestle out of each other, every difference of opinion that challenges our worldview, every unexpected trial that comes our way, reassures me all the more that I said “I do” to the right man. I said “I do” to my forever love. I didn’t know all these things then. And yet I made the right choice. That puzzles me. 

Proverbs 30: 18-19

18 There are three things which are too wonderful for me,

           Four which I do not understand:

19 The way of an eagle in the sky,

          The way of a serpent on a rock,

           The way of a ship in the middle of the sea,

           And the way of a man with a maid.

I can’t put my finger on what exactly drew us together. It’s hard to articulate the unseen attraction felt that was noticeably different from previous lusts. And it’s even more unnerving to evidence the certainty we both felt in knowing we were each other’s forever-early on. For when I made a vow, I honestly didn’t know what all that vow would entail.

And yet, I looked into my soon-to-be husband’s eyes on our wedding day, and said “for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, till death do us part…I do.”  That’s the essence of marriage—faith. I didn’t know the exact direction life would take us...and I still don’t. But don’t you see that that’s the mystery and the beauty of marriage?

We didn’t know. We don’t know. And yet we said, and say “I do.”

PonderedThought: What are some things that you said “I do” to that you didn’t know would occur in your own marriage? If not married, what are some things you’re already considering saying “I do” to that you’ve put great thought into?

Additionally, if you’re a believer, ponder more deeply on the fact that God said “I do” to you while knowing your full sinful condition. While knowing when you’d turn your back on Him. While knowing when you’d choose the things of this world over Him. And yet, He said, and continues to say “I do” to you every single day. That too is the mystery and beauty of a covenant relationship with God.

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Wanna get into the Christmas Spirit?…Here’s how

Confession. I don’t recall the last time that I was in the Christmas Spirit. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love Christmas. But that warm anticipatory feeling that I’d get as a child, ceased sometime before high school. After last year, I realized that I didn’t want my Christmas of 2018 to be the same as it had been in previous years.

I didn’t want to wake up on Christmas morning only concerned about which foods to eat, which outfit to wear, and whether or not I purchased all the right presents. I wanted this year to be different.

So at the start of this past October, I started getting ready. By October 1st, I’d already planned the weekend that my family and I would go apple picking at an orchard. This was in effort to get into the “Fall” spirit.

But each weekend brought on a different weather fatality that unfortunately altered our plans.

Then Thanksgiving came. I planned on baking some pretty awesome vegan treats. Yeah, for whatever reason that didn’t happen either.

And Christmas decorations? I didn’t see it as a priority this year, budget wise; nor did I feel like begging Evan, my husband, to help me hang some lights (I choose my battles wisely.)

So as December approached, I found myself nowhere near having the “Christmas Spirit,” despite my elaborate plans at the start of October. But then, unexpectedly, and quite randomly in my opinion, the Lord challenged me to cut out all entertainment for 21 days. Yeah. Movies, shows (This is Us!), my random YouTube videos, endless Facebook videos that Y'all like share, and my love to watch different interviews (yas...Michelle Obama’s recent book tour interviews).

Well, I began doing this on Nov. 24th, and after 10 or so days...I still wasn’t in the Christmas Spirit.

So when thinking about this one afternoon, the Lord showed me that I was attempting, and failing miserably, at conjuring up this Christmas Spirit, because I equated the Christmas Spirit to my ability to resuscitate nostalgia. Nostalgia that was filled with sweet times as a child, giggly emotions, and anticipatory angst that was both fun and pure. Yet, a nostalgia which honestly had nothing to do with Him (Christ).

How often do we do this? How often do we find the necessity to reenact (i.e. traditions, experiences, etc.) in order to relive an emotion…and call that having the Christmas Spirit? 

Entertainment is usually where I run towards to conjure up this nostalgia. By doing this, I place my faith in a movie or a song to quench a thirst that was once readily filled by waking up on Christmas day and seeing a considerable amount of presents under a tree.

But like I said, somewhere between adolescence and adulthood, that thirst stopped being quenched, those warm feelings leading up to Christmas disappeared, and the excitement of opening presents just didn’t do it for me like it used to. And every attempt to bring these feelings back stopped working.. Hence, why I’d find myself saying in my head, year after year, “I’m just not in the Christmas Spirit.”

But here’s what I’ve learned this year.

I need to redefine what it means to be in the Christmas Spirit.

To be in the Christmas Spirit is not playing Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas” on repeat (such a good song right?!), nor watching Home Alone, It’s a Wonderful Life and a host of Hallmark Movies. Trust me. I’ve tried them all..

My favorite Christmas move.

To be in the Christmas Spirit is to practice being more aware of the Holy Spirit.

So often we hear that Christmas isn’t about presents but His Presence.

But how much of His Presence are we actively seeking Dec. 1st- 24th?

Maybe, exchanging presents isn’t the culprit to Christmas.

Perhaps it’s the lack of being aware of His Presence leading up to Christmas that can make giving presents stressful, preparing food a burden, and going through a rehearsed schedule, year to year, as if going through the motions like any other holiday.

So as we wait for Dec. 25th, the celebration of Jesus’ birthday, the best gift to Earth, let us not unconsciously forsake the gift we have right now…which is His Spirit. His Presence is readily available and very much wanting to interact with you.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ”

— Jeremiah 29:13

Now that I’ve cut out entertainment (for the time being), I’ve been amazed by how clearly I’ve been hearing and experiencing the Holy Spirit’s power in my personal life and especially in my prayer life. (As a result, the Holy Spirit has also been making me more acutely aware of  my hidden sins--another blog post for another time.)

So I can honestly say now, “I’m in the Christmas Spirit y’all!!”

Maybe next year, I’ll bake and decorate some cookies with Evan Jr., our son. 

Maybe I’ll pop some homemade popcorn and stream my favorite Christmas movie to watch with Evan Sr.

And maybe, just maybe, I’ll go to a Christmas lighting ceremony with them both.

But this will all be done in addition to, and not in replacement of, trying to get into the Christmas Spirit. I already have His Holy Spirit, which is the ultimate essence of getting into the “Christmas Spirit.”

PonderedThought:

What are some things you could do to be more aware of the Presence of the Holy Spirit right now? Is it baking cookies? Watching that movie? Or does He want you to be more aware and appreciative of the Holy Spirit?

For the next couple of days, I challenge you to unplug from any “go to” thing that is crowding you from being more aware of the Holy Spirit. Consider this not a fast. But more so, a passionate pursuit of your Comforter, Guide, Intercessor, and Lover.

Your “go to” could be television, Hulu, Netflix, food, social media, or even work. Ask the Lord, and He will graciously guide you.

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Quarantining?: 10 Very Effective Ways to Draw Closer to God

Have you ever found yourself singing a worship song with lyrics like, “I give myself away” or “All I want is You” or “I love You with all of my heart,” and felt a tinge of conviction? Have you at times felt like, those lyrics weren’t true for you?

If not, I may be the only one who feels like this sometimes.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to sing these words and mean what I’m singing. But many times I feel like I’m lying to God when I sing songs of complete surrender or desire. So instead, I sing in my heart, “I (want to) give myself away. (I want to be in a place where) All I want is you. I (really do want to) love you with all of my heart..."

Why do I end up adding my own internal parentheses? Most times, I find myself doing this whenever I'm in a season of habitual disobedience and unconfessed sin. These seasons usually occur when I’m unintentionally or sometimes even deliberately fighting against the path that God is telling me to pursue—and in effect, fighting with God, growing hardened in heart, and slowly running away from any awareness of His Presence. (To clarify, if you are a believer, God’s presence never leaves you, because you are sealed with the Holy Spirit. But there’s a difference between having the Spirit and actively obeying and giving Lordship to the Spirit. When we disobey Him, we literally grieve His presence inside of us.)

And so I sing...knowing that my actions speak much more loudly than my words.

“If you love me, you will keep my commandments.”

— John 14:15

During these seasons of disobedience, I usually find myself listening to a sermon and thinking, “Yeah, I need to go ahead and give up ___, and I know I need to go ahead and start __.”

Almost four years ago, Evan (my husband) shared with me that he could see me blogging in the future. At the time, I scoffed at the idea and inwardly rolled my eyes. I figured that his statement was a result of him not listening to all that I had been sharing with him regarding the Lord's purposes for my life (which at the time, DID NOT INCLUDE BLOGGING). But then he later repeated his recommendation again. And then again. And finally, when Evan and I were walking into our home late one evening,  Evan started venturing into another spiel about seeing me blogging. It was at that moment that I heard the Lord tell me to “LISTEN.”

After that evening, Evan didn’t have to remind me anymore about blogging. The Holy Spirit kept telling me. I fought the Lord, less out of sheer rebellion and more out of pure laziness, for some time. But delayed obedience = disobedience. Although I started drafting potential posts for almost a year, I didn’t have any concrete plans on actually starting a blog and publishing the posts. So every sermon, every song, every near death-like-experience (turbulence on a plane) would inadvertently remind me that I hadn’t entirely given myself over to God.

My point is this.

You don’t need to know 10 ways to get closer to God. 

More than likely, you already know how. The answer is simple. Be obedient. Openly confess sins. Prioritize God by studying His Word and talking to Him, listening to Him, and being aware of His presence daily.

Sure, you may have heard this all before. In fact, this blog post may have caught your eye because perhaps you wanted to find a different and easier way to draw near to God.

I can so relate to that feeling. How? Because a few weeks ago, I was tempted to google search, “10 ways to get closer to God.” Actually, this was more than a temptation, because I was in the process of looking it up. But while picking up my phone, I sighed, knowing that I already knew how to draw closer to God.

Honestly, I was just hoping to read somewhere that I could get closer to Him by, for example, spinning in circles 7 times or speaking in tongues for 7 minutes. I wanted to read words empathizing with my busy schedule and encouraging me to catch a Word whenever I could. I wanted to read that God was in my heart and that was all that mattered. I wanted to read that I was human and couldn’t possibly obey God all the time, so it was okay to settle for some sin in my life/not lay down everything to Him.

But that’s not what I’m going to tell you.

Let me tell you a quick story.

A few months ago, I sat, tired of trying to rock baby boy to sleep. No amount of breastmilk, walking, swaying, or singing was working. I leaned back in the rocking chair, closed my eyes, and just wished for the vision of what I had thought motherhood would look like to come true.

I wanted Evan Jr. to lay on my chest, nestled sweetly between my chin and my womb. I wanted to hold him for once without him resisting me with clenched fists and a squirming body, itching to get away. This was mostly my reality for the first 5-7 weeks of Evan Jr.’s life due to him having a very gassy digestive system.

Nonetheless, I took his discomfort personally every time he pressed his little hands aggressively against my chest in pain. Over time, I began to think that he didn't want me.  For once, I just wanted him to feel protected in my arms and to act as though he liked Mommy and no one else (this would come just a couple of weeks later). I wanted him to want me (I cannot stress that enough). And the moment that this thought resonated, the unbelievable happened.

As though an angel just tapped baby boy, Evan Jr. suddenly rested his head right below my chin. Up until this point, he had never done this. He would often fall asleep while breastfeeding, or after numerous bounces when walking back and forth, or after trying 100 different positions whenever I sat down.

But this...this effortless position felt right. This was the vision that I had imagined of motherhood.

He laid his head on my chest so peacefully. And as soon as I felt his deep breaths against my chest,  I felt tears welling up in my eyes. The moment that I had dreamt of since he was born happened. I peered down and stroked his hair. For the first time up until that point, he had resigned to sleep without fighting me with every last ounce of energy of his body. I leaned back and smiled... before being interrupted by another thought—a thought that I knew was from above.

“This is what I long for, with you.”

He spoke it so clearly. I wasn’t even praying.

Tears, for another reason, began drawing up. Simultaneously, I inwardly smiled and said, “Come on Lord. Can’t I just enjoy this one moment without you laying that on me?” I had been fighting the Lord. Yes, I was a new mom with a newborn at the time, but I had kept fighting the Lord.

I felt Him beckoning me to invite Him into my thoughts when changing Evan Jr.’s diapers. I felt Him inviting me to open up to Him whenever I felt overwhelmed. I felt Him whispering to me to worship Him when I felt down. To confess when I had engaged in wrongful thinking. To read His Word when I had some time alone.  But instead, I wanted to numb myself with HGTV and Facebook.

It’s so simple, yet the most challenging thing that you’ll probably ever do. And so I’ll repeat it again.

You don’t need 10 ways to get closer to God.

Be obedient (Stop doing what you know you need to stop doing, and begin what you know you should be doing.). Openly confess sin (Be honest. Don’t sugar coat it.).  And prioritize God by studying His Word (No other way around it. No commentary, spiritual book, or sermon will suffice) and be aware of His Presence daily (Talk to and LISTEN to Him, even now!).

It’s so simple, yet the most challenging thing that you’ll probably ever do…because it’s a matter of priority.

So start now :) .

If only you knew how much He yearns for you to stop fighting but to simply come, rest in His Presence, and surrender.

He’s waiting.

He’s always waiting.

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I think this song encapsulates this blog so beautifully.

Feeling Empty?: The Moment I Realized that Nothing in This World Satisfied

Deadline at hand, I sat in the library at my computer, while wrestling with an increasing inward annoyance that began to become stronger by the day. I felt my world crumbling from the outside, and all of my ways of medicating the discomfort—through food, affirmation from my then boyfriend, academic success, a written schedule (to distract me from my own thoughts), facebook scrolling, going out and dancing—all failed. I unconsciously turned to every  single thing that brought me satisfaction in the past. It was like someone had frozen all of my bank accounts, and like a credit card that seems to decline, I stood in the cashier line pulling out every single card in my possession, hoping for some return. Without realizing what was going on, I inwardly began to give up.

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt it or experienced it. It’s almost like the nostalgia of childhood comes to an end and that inner joy and peace that you once felt, simply for just “being,” dissipates. The hopeful eyegate of the world grows dim, and life doesn’t seem so pleasant anymore. Some may feel it at the age of 12, others decades later. For me, it happened when I was 19.

During Finals of my Freshman year in college, for lack of better words, I felt totally and utterly...empty.  

If you’re reading this and know what I’m talking about, you understand that it’s not something that you can readily explain without experiencing it. If you are reading this, and nodding your head in agreement, mainly because you are feeling it now, there’s hope.

After turning to every single thing that I thought would satisfy my gnawing longing for “more,” He found me. I wasn’t looking for HIm. I wasn’t searching diligently for HIs truths. He simply found me. The ways in which He did are for another blog post. But the revelation received when He did, is the essence of what I want to convey. You can go through this life searching and looking for more. And maybe you find it. But I can guarantee you, that sooner or later-- that longing will reappear. That thing that you once found satisfaction in, will disappoint. And that emptiness in which I describe, will become a reality once again.

When Christ found me, I thought (like everything else) the love and peace that I felt would go away with time. I literally counted the months until I’d go back to my old habits, my old ways, and my old desires. Though I stray from His fold many times, upon my return, the same love and peace that I felt years ago remains the same. He doesn’t change. His presence is just as addicting. His security is just as promising. His forgiveness is just as powerful to wash away my dirt. And HIs fullness is always available.

I encourage you, whether you know Christ or not, if you are sensing this longing, like a babe in the arms of his mother, simply give up and ask the Lord to “find you.”  He’d be happy to leave 99 of his righteous sheep to find the one.

Confess that you are a mess and in need of help. I promise, as He is a loving Father, He will beckon your call. The way in which He chooses to pick you up into His arms may not always feel pleasant in the moment. Sometimes, it may feel like He is hurting you further. But this is a lie. He desires more than anything to be intimate with you. But You have to trust HIm.

My only encouragement is that once you are in His arms, don’t push away. Don’t try to fix yourself up further. Simply just “be.”