When did it happen? The transition from best friend to lover to loner. I felt close to you. I felt as a significant twin, almost. And just as suddenly, I saw the unique difference between you and I. I, the female, and you, the male. And we, madly in love, blind to such beautiful variance. As the days rolled on, for whatever reason, the loneliness picked up too, and I saw that my thoughts, feelings, emotions could not be so easily reflected in you anymore. They were isolated, as though apart of an isolated experiment—only found on a distant country. And you, an adventurer, were constantly attempting to discover where the new wind blown from within me originated—but also coming short and resulting in the fatal, “maybe this is just how women are.”
Then our child came, and my emotions, thoughts, and feelings became that much more exacerbated. My ways, that much more differentiated from you. Yet, I needed you just the same. I admired you all the more. And I clung to you—in awe of the amazing creation fraught with intentional uniqueness molded by the hands of my Creator. Though at times I felt lonely, I knew that you probably felt just as lonely too. I, the female, you, the male. Yet I wondered, “did your world seem to be constantly changing and evolving as mine?” It seemed that you simply grew into a mature man from being a boy; whereas I appeared to evolve into entirely different persons, depending on the season. I don’t remember my teenage self. Perhaps there is still apart of her there. But mostly, I see things, circumstances, responsibilities—and my life adjusts to such.
But Father, where is she deep down within. Many say that one must not lose oneself as one becomes older, and so often women do. But so much of what I’ve become is... myself. I wish not to go back. I simply wish to be seen at current face value and currently understood before the next life event causes a shift in change, just as easily. For me, I look in the mirror and smile at the new ways in which You’ve equipped my inner being to handle the multiple thoughts, feelings, and responsibilities rummaging toward through me all at once. I gaze into her eyes and am amazed at her ability to be gentle, bold, fearless, quiet, outspoken, guarded, vulnerable, submissive, and in charge—in the span of one day. But moreso, I stand in awe at Your ability to make her feel things that no man can understand, while still granting her the strength to undertake tasks that no man can comprehend.
So what do I do now? In the nights in which it is just me and God. Where the world’s rationale provides little reprieve and my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are nowhere to be found upon discovery. Where do I go? Where do I look to? I’m not sure. But in the meantime, I think on the other side of heaven, it’ll be understood a little more closely. Perhaps the Lord made me like this—wives, mothers, grandmothers, women—so that we could understand that there are parts to God that we will never fully understand. That He has deep feelings that we will never fully comprehend. Just as His love is deeply incomprehensible, I wonder if He ever feels alone. I know theologically inconceivable considering the Trinity. But I wonder if He/They/One ever wish to be known just as I am known. If He does—then these feelings are not in vain. In fact, indeed, there is One who truly understands. Therefore, I end these thoughts abruptly due to the peace brought about through the transaction of this one hopeful notion. Thank you Father.