On my wedding day...I didn't know I'd be saying "I do" to this.

Sometimes I look at him and wonder. I wonder where the butterflies went, the sweaty hands that suddenly found stability, the upset stomach that sequestered calm, and the frantic eyes that somehow steadied. I look at my husband and am more drawn into the mystery of what brought us together.

Of course, his charm, his humor, and his really good looks helped. But more deeply, I wonder what made us say “yes” to each other and “no” to the rest. Was it my go-to perfume that put his head in a daze? Or was it my sharp sass that held him in want? Was it his swag coupled with quick wit that kept me on my toes? I point largely to the exterior, not due to vanity but due to the fact that without any other reason,  I don't know what brought us together, what made our eyes lock into one, and what made our hearts pant deeply for one another...except for God.

On our first date, we didn’t discuss the number of children we wanted, where we desired to live long-term, the percentage of our check we’d like to see in our 401K, or our anticipated parenting styles. We talked. We laughed. And an uncanny chemistry drew us closer and wouldn’t let us go.

You see the older I get, the more this mystery becomes of growing intrigue. Because when I said “I do,” I really didn’t know exactly what I’d be saying “I do” to.

I didn’t know I’d be saying “I do” to a man who held strong faith in God when we were unexpectedly down to 1 income 3 months after marriage. One who’d try to understand me when I was PMSing and I needed a huge hug right around my waist (but not too tight). One who didn’t make fun of me when I was having extreme pregnancy hormones and missed my mom and sisters and decided to watch Steel Magnolias at 4 AM on a Sunday morning, wept loudly at the end, and then proceeded to get dressed for church as if nothing happened.

I didn’t know I said “I do” to a man who is an amazing father and who cherishes greatly the legacy he passes down.  I didn’t know I said “I do” to a visionary, to one who asks “why” at the most inopportune, yet crucial times, and one who debates me for fun or for my sheer annoyance.  I didn’t know I said “I do” to these things, and yet I did.

Sure, we dated for a long time, talked seriously about our future goals, discussed our compatibility and sought pre-marital counseling. But even with all of these things, saying “I do” took a leap of faith. For when anyone says “I do,” one can’t see the coming arguments, the full extent of a spouse’s sinful condition, all of the difference of opinions, nor life’s different trials that comes with simply living.

And yet every argument my husband and I have, every sinful condition we wrestle out of each other, every difference of opinion that challenges our worldview, every unexpected trial that comes our way, reassures me all the more that I said “I do” to the right man. I said “I do” to my forever love. I didn’t know all these things then. And yet I made the right choice. That puzzles me. 

Proverbs 30: 18-19

18 There are three things which are too wonderful for me,

           Four which I do not understand:

19 The way of an eagle in the sky,

          The way of a serpent on a rock,

           The way of a ship in the middle of the sea,

           And the way of a man with a maid.

I can’t put my finger on what exactly drew us together. It’s hard to articulate the unseen attraction felt that was noticeably different from previous lusts. And it’s even more unnerving to evidence the certainty we both felt in knowing we were each other’s forever-early on. For when I made a vow, I honestly didn’t know what all that vow would entail.

And yet, I looked into my soon-to-be husband’s eyes on our wedding day, and said “for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, till death do us part…I do.”  That’s the essence of marriage—faith. I didn’t know the exact direction life would take us...and I still don’t. But don’t you see that that’s the mystery and the beauty of marriage?

We didn’t know. We don’t know. And yet we said, and say “I do.”

PonderedThought: What are some things that you said “I do” to that you didn’t know would occur in your own marriage? If not married, what are some things you’re already considering saying “I do” to that you’ve put great thought into?

Additionally, if you’re a believer, ponder more deeply on the fact that God said “I do” to you while knowing your full sinful condition. While knowing when you’d turn your back on Him. While knowing when you’d choose the things of this world over Him. And yet, He said, and continues to say “I do” to you every single day. That too is the mystery and beauty of a covenant relationship with God.

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5 Things I'm Learning in Marriage

4. Run to God 1st...then that book, blog, friend, mentor, sermon.

Run to God 1st...

Then that book, blog, friend, mentor, sermon.

This is probably the hardest for me and the most undervalued lesson learned. Whenever there is a disagreement, I’m so prone to run to “fixing it”—subtly telling myself that I am more capable than God and any wisdom/ guidance that He can grant. My best advice is to first run to God in prayer and WAIT  for Him to lead/guide you on what your next step should be.

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5 Things I'm Learning in Marriage

5. What God has brought together, let no man separate

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? 6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” - Matthew 19:5-6

This is by far the most restful and grace-filled lesson that I've learned/am learning. During our first year of marriage, I admit that I was plagued by the fear of divorce. I continuously looked at my flaws and suspected that something bad would happen and that we wouldn't make it. I went to the Lord in fear, as I meditated on my vows, and came to the realization that I simply couldn't do it. 

Due to this underlying fear, certain thoughts would produce more fear. The moment I sensed trouble, fear produced more fear. And before I knew it, the Lord was no longer in my thoughts. I kept thinking of hypothetical situations, entertained "what ifs," and blew up minor disagreements into major ones. But what I've come to understand now, is that Evan and I didn't come together on our own accord. The Lord brought us together. Therefore, when I see the enemy attempt to pull us apart—albeit through people, our own flesh, or circumstance—this verse grants me immense comfort. Why? 

I have the permission to go the Lord holding onto His promise rather than holding onto panic/fear. I can boldly state, "Abbah, You see this ___is pulling us apart. Now, You brought us together. I trust and wait on You to move, to guide, or to remove "xyz"so that we may be on1 accord.  I know that You desire this more than I do! I trust in You to help us through because Your Namesake is on the line." 

Marriage is bigger than any 2 people. It is a narrative that the Lord writes, directs, and constructs. Therefore, when I sense trouble now, I go to the Director. It's not my problem. I simply lay it at His feet and watch Him move for His own Namesake. For His own Glory.

I must warn you though. When you do this, don't be surprised if you find that the stumbling block within this beautiful narrative is not an outside force...but is actually you. Haha, this has happened to me on more than 1 occasion! 

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Let No Man Separate

5 Things I'm Learning in Marriage

3.  Sex is not only a physical act but a spiritual necessity

- Genesis 2:24

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

-Proverbs 5:19

“A lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.”

Growing up, the introduction of sex was introduced to me, unfortunately. from episodes of watching the soap opera “Days of Our Lives.” I thought sex was a physical act intended to grant the most physically pleasurable experience. Unconsciously, this notion later prevailed my mind in moments of lustful thoughts in my season of singleness. I knew that sex was a powerful force that could be used to destroy if entered into prior to marriage. But I hardly considered the powerful benefits, beyond physical pleasure, offered for both spouses within the context of marriage.

Prior to marriage, an older and seasoned Christian woman shared with me that Satan would do everything in his power to get me and Evan in the bed prior to marriage, and that Satan would do everything in his power to get us out of the bed within marriage. When I first heard this, I was kind of blown away. I always thought...

"If I can just make it to marriage...all will be well."

I never realized that the same spiritual forces pulling me into fornication within singleness, could also have the potential to pull me away from my future husband even within marriage.

If sex was so dangerous outside the context of marriage, then it made sense for it be so powerful within the context marriage.  

Satan knows this. Why didn’t I? Which leads me to my next statement.

Sex is not merely a physical act. It is a spiritual necessity within the confines of marriage.

"Sex is not only a physical act, but it's a spiritual necessity."

-PonderedThought

It brings the Lord pleasure. It is an act of worship. It is an act that is a reflection in the physical realm of what already exists in the spiritual realm--beautiful oneness. It is a type of mysterious glue that binds one to the other in ways that my mind is too finite to conceive. I’m not a theologian, and I’m surely not God, but from personal experience, I believe it has helped me respect my husband more. It has helped my heart soften when it wants to grow hard and bitter. It has helped me practice the act of denying myself and joyfully giving of myself when I wish to be selfish.  And honestly, I’ve seen it take the edge off of the already difficulties found within marriage lol. It is that and so much more.

Sex is a powerful necessity needed for both husband and wife. To deduce it to being “merely” a physical experience for the self is to gravely and disrespectfully  deduce the divine gift that God has created.  It is physical AND it is that and so much more. Be mindful next time you find yourself in a pattern of telling your spouse that “you just don’t feel like it.” Be mindful of who/what is pushing you away from your marriage bed. Satan knows the power of sexual intimacy between husband and wife. Do you?

In the same vein, be mindful of why you wish to engage in sexual intimacy with your spouse. Do you view sex as only a physical experience to grant the self pleasure? When I think of the times in which I’ve experienced the most intimacy with Christ, it was when I gave of myself fully to Him. In return, I inevitably felt the indescribable hedonistic pleasures of simply being in His presence. The same goes in sexual intimacy.  When husband and wife both enter into the marriage bed with a selfish mindset of how to please the self, one’s actions subtly reveals one's belief about sex—merely a physical act  for the self. But in actuality, it is a spiritual necessity that helps one to deny oneself in giving the other pleasure, and in effect produces the most pleasurable fruit as one draws closer to Christ.  

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Waiting to Kiss...Our Story

-----Describes a time before marriage

Waiting to Kiss...

Nothing compared to the storm raging inside us as our arms linked together and kisses poured forth. I hadn’t seen Evan in more than 6 weeks, and the passionate welcoming—as privacy ensued unnoticed by the closing of the door—quickly resulted. My mind clouded out clear judgment as lust poured forth with quick vengeance.

“Lord is this pleasing to you?” I pleaded as the wave of emotion fought to bring down any moment of reason.

I quickly felt assurance that it indeed was not. Unfortunately,  I proceeded anyway. I justified my decision by acknowledging that I was only expressing pure love through a passionate kiss. What could it hurt? Nonetheless, the sweet communion with the Lord that I was experiencing, moments before Evan’s appearing, quickly dissipated.

“Lord, is...this  pleasing... to you?”

Coming to my senses, I realized that I was about to be late for my hair appointment. Thankful for the abrupt end to a passionate kissing session, I told Evan that I needed to go and he gladly volunteered to drive me to my appointment. While he drove, I thought carefully on the possibility of engaging in a relationship with Evan without the sweet benefits of kissing. In all honesty, kissing was something I looked forward to the most when Evan and I were separated.

Evan and I were both Sophmores in college and were in a long distance relationship. We met in high school and had been going on four years in dating at the time. Due to going to separate colleges, Evan and I mainly saw each other when we were home for break. And when we saw one another, kissing was a central theme.

 In high school, our friends considered it strange that Evan and I were dating without engaging in sex. While others thought this to be strange, Evan and I thought it to be preposterous to be in a relationship and not kiss. "Oh, how strange that would be!" we often thought. 

As I sat in the car waiting to be dropped off, I couldn’t shake the fact that me kissing Evan was not pleasing to the Lord. But what was the alternative? It seemed impossible. While I was in a flood of thoughts, Evan pulled up to my beauty shop and characteristically stated, “Give me a kiss.” I looked forward to the separation from Evan so that I could think about this curveball that I felt the Lord was throwing at me.

The next day, Evan invited me over to his parents’ house. I put my cute black dress on & boots, grabbed my brown bag, and left my house. Once I arrived, we spoke with his parents but in a moment of privacy, we kissed. I pulled away and tried to gather my words.

“What?” Evan asked, knowing something was on my mind.

“Can we do a Holy kiss?” I said (insert don't judge me LOL).

The night before, I read the epistles and read how Paul said to greet others with a kiss. In my naivete, I took this to mean that perhaps I can kiss but maybe there is holy and unholy way.

“Jessica, what is that?” he said, while beginning to cautiously laugh.

I didn’t know exactly how to demonstrate it, but I knew that whatever we had been doing—wasn’t bringing the Lord pleasure. I wanted to think of a way to kiss that perhaps brought pleasure. With amusement, Evan complied to play along. But the opposite of “holy” kisses quickly prevailed. I left his house completely surrendered. As I pulled away in my dad’s truck, I told the Lord clearly that if He wanted us to not kiss that He would have to make it work because I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t do it. He would have to figure out a way because, holy or unholy, my flesh wanted Evan.

That night, I fell asleep while contemplating why the Lord expected me to do this.

Why take away this one physical pleasure when Ev and I were not having sex?

The next morning, I woke up earlier than usual. I was on a school break and had more than enough time to sleep in. But I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. To my utter shock, upon swallowing, a sharp pain resulted. I had a severe sore throat. I hadn’t been sick in MONTHS, and when I did get sick, it  resulted in a sinus infection mostly—never a sore throat. It was 5AM in the morning when the text came through Evan’s phone.

“We can’t kiss anymore. I’ll explain later,”  I texted.

Evan, being an early bird, called me shortly after. I explained to him the bidding of the Holy Spirit, the prayer, the sore throat, everything. By this time, I didn’t need another sign. Some may have thought it a coincidence, but the Lord made it very clear to me that although I couldn't stop kissing in my own strength, if I surrendered, He'd find a way to help me to do so.  Kissing wasn’t the issue. The real issue was that I couldn’t kiss Evan without falling into a state of lust, which happened to linger long after the actual kiss itself.

Later that day, Evan and I met at the park. We were so accustomed to hanging out and kissing, and so it was a bit awkward understanding how we were to hang out without such a defining activity in our relationship. As we sat in the car, we couldn’t help but laugh.

“So how long is this supposed to last? Like is this just temporary or…” Evan asked.

I didn’t know. I just knew that kissing wasn’t pleasing to the Lord. And I clearly didn’t know how nor understand how to kiss in such a way that would bring "Him" pleasure.

“I don’t know. I just know that we aren’t supposed to,” I said.

So there we sat in the car at the park, watching the lake in front of us. As we talked and laughed, the lack of kissing didn’t quiet our physical longing, but increased it that much more.  

Who was I kidding? I couldn’t do this.

And just as quickly as hopelessness tried to set in, the Lord led me to imagine Himself sitting behind us. The image of His sweet presence sobered me in a way that is a bit indescribable. I realized that I was Christ's daughter and Evan was His son. Interestingly enough, remembering that Christ was always in our Presence, placed things in perspective. I wasn’t just lusting for Evan, I was lusting for my Saviour’s Son; and I, Christ’s wife, was lusting for another man.

We made it through the first date without slipping. Not realizing the extent to God’s grace, He allowed us to not kiss until we became husband and wife, 3 years later.  SUCH GRACE—not kidding.

As time went on, I would sometimes look back and wonder why the Lord spoke to me and not to Evan. It wasn’t until later that Evan reluctantly revealed to me that he too felt that the Lord was telling us not to kiss 3 years prior to the Lord speaking to me (when we were in high school). Due to not seeing how, Evan ignored it.

“Always have a listening ear would seemingly be the lesson learned from this experience”, but instead , I’d say this—when God speaks, He’s not expecting us to do anything in our own strength. When He speaks, trust that He will, or already has, provided you with a way to fulfill what He has initially commanded through the power of the Holy Spirit.

1 Peter 1 : 3

“ 3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.”

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When my Husband splashed me with cold water...

I sat the pot down and looked at the clock. 7:20 AM

Ok, 10 minutes to make my smoothie, pack my bag, and fix my salad. Perfect. At least, I have more time than I did yesterday to get to work.

Though still in focus mode whilst several tabs appeared open in my headspace, Evan’s next statement quickly succeeded in interrupting the flow of my thoughts.

“Let’s cook on Wednesday.”

Evan and I planned to host a couple coming in from out of town, and knowing my workload that week, I successfully planned, if I can say so myself, to pick up a pizza from Costco, make a nice cute salad and a quick dessert. That way I could get home, clean up, light some candles, and still have a good meal prepared.

“No Ev, I planned for us to do pizza...I plan on cooking Saturday when they spend the night again.”

“I think it’d be a good idea to cook. In fact I’ll cook.” He then went on to state this elaborate menu, that he planned to cook. It sounded great, however, his willingness to take on this task failed to resolve the mounting weights being placed on my shoulders with every proceeding word delivered from his mouth.

I needed more verification so as to remove each weight one block at a time.

“So you’ll clean the kitchen before you cook?”

"Yes," he said. 

“And you’ll clean up after you cook?”

"Yes."

“And you won’t ask me for any help on how to cook whatever you cook?"

"Yes."

And then I went on to repeat each statement again, unconsciously, so as to remove the inevitable weights that still appeared to be weighing on my body—though without reason.

What is it? Why do I still feel burdened? Why am I responding to his request with anxiousness? Why can’t we just do it my way and carry on our merry, oh so happy, way? I thought to myself.

I didn’t let it end there. My tone became more impatient, my tolerance obliterated in explosion due to utter annoyance, and goodness….could he answer this last question a little more quickly? I think I have 3 more minutes before needing to leave. 

He called me out on my tone, and after gently correcting me...said

“I love you, beautiful.”

Nah huh. Why are you saying randomly that you love me? And ah, don’t call me beautiful. Please...don’t be nice to me right now. Let’s get back to business and talk about this pizza and dessert.

And Evan, don’t look at me like that..please don’t look at me like you …did when we were 16. Like you did on our wedding day. Like you do in moments when no one is looking.  Like you are doing right now. Those unwavering eyes reminding me that your love is a commitment and not a fleeting feeling that depletes upon disagreement.

And like that, I slowly felt my heart relinquish my hardened heart that worry and anxiety sought to embitter. He simply smiled calmly as the sincerity in his eyes cut too swiftly and precisely at the unseen depths of my heart. He continued smiling with an air of peace and confidence, as if to say that what i interpreted from his eyes proved to be indeed true.

I suddenly felt uncomfortable and quietly ashamed as his words  allowed the previous conversation to dissipate slowly and yet quickly into another world.

Proverbs 25: 21-22

If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat;

           And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink;

     22For you will heap burning coals on his head,

           And the LORD will reward you.

I reacted to Evan as though he were my enemy, and I his. Instead he gave me a splash of cold water on the heap of burning coals upon my head with one statement.

Evan gave me what I needed, even though I didn’t ask for it. Not necessarily food. Nor water. But Love, which symbolically encompasses both.

(It ended up… we neither had to get pizza nor did we have to cook at all lol. For our friends never came over to spend the night lol.)

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