New City, Newly Married, No Immediate Family... And My Husband Quit His Job

It was our first year anniversary, and we went all out—as best we could at the time. After celebrating with a candlelit dinner, a scheduled massage, and a night in a fancy hotel, our celebration was complete. We felt pretty accomplished.  366 days of marriage and counting. 

The next morning, my husband and I woke up in our hotel room and began reading the Word together. While reading a chapter in Matthew aloud, Evan, my husband, paused. He highlighted, said a couple of “hmmm”’s and continued reading. He paused again, considered speaking, but then hesitated at the last minute. 

A few seconds later, and with careful word placement, Evan completely upended whatever 3 year-plan we didn’t quite have. 

“I think I’m supposed to quit my job. 

Yeah, I don’t know. 

But I’m pretty sure this is the Lord speaking. 

Can you pray on it too? It’s just that….while reading, I heard that.” 

“Yeah. Okay. Just like... while reading that section (a section of scripture that had absolutely nothing to do with relinquishing a stable source of income) you heard that?” I cautiously questioned.

It wasn’t that Evan hated his job. But it wasn’t something he lept with joy about when returning home from work. It was more like that subtle nuisance of an activity that he felt forced to do eight to ten hours per day, as a postgraduate who needed more work experience. And when he was home, any recollection of that nuisance was politely put away until the next day’s clock-in. 

“Yeah. I can definitely pray.” 

I prayed right then to myself and knew immediately that this was the Lord speaking. Not only did I feel the hand of God in this, but I also knew that whatever Evan was led to do, he needed to act quickly.

One day later,  Evan put in his two weeks’ notice.

Immediately, we felt a sense of peace. As scary as it was- a new city, newly married, and with no immediate family around-we knew we did exactly what we were supposed to do. 

We just didn’t know the journey that awaited us upon doing so. 

Evan took to applying for jobs immediately. Living on my income (a teacher’s salary at that), in the city of Chicago, wasn’t quite ideal.  I felt led to fast from eating all meat (including fish) until Evan got his next fancy job. At the time, I ate meat three times a day. But it didn’t matter. I knew he’d get a job pretty quickly...since it was the Lord who told him to quit, right? 

Well, after three months of unexpected rejections, Evan became an Uber driver.

Some mornings before leaving the house, I’d let Evan know the exact amount of money he needed to make before a bill was withdrawn from our account. Our savings were slowly dwindling. 

One Sunday evening, Evan left the house at 11 PM due to an Uber driver demand. Because there was a surge in pricing, Evan made $74 in 38 minutes (he still can recall these exact numbers years later). He walked through our apartment door feeling accomplished. I couldn’t have been more proud. 

Our first apartment.

After three months of Ubering, we decided to celebrate Evan’s birthday by going to Memphis to spend time with family. Thank God for Megabus’ pricing. 

Evan photobombing me on our Megabus ride from Chicago to Memphis.

After six months, whatever adventure we signed up for began to look less promising. It honestly didn’t make any sense as to why my exceptionally qualified husband was not getting a job. It baffled us both. Every time Evan neared a final round of interviews, someone else was chosen. Or the job was handed to someone else in-house. 

 We needed money. I craved meat. And people’s skepticism over our “following the Lord faith move” began to annoy me. 

After eight months of searching, Evan came across a promising job opportunity through one of our close contacts. Although this job would be in a completely different area of work than preferred,  it offered good pay with an early start date. Our contact anticipated excitement from us both. And we were. But then we prayed. 

We both knew that this wasn’t it. 

Eight months turned into nine months. 

Not only did we appear crazy, but some moments we felt crazy. 

One evening after work, I got home and found Evan dressed up. 

“What’s going on?” 

“Oh, the Hendersons invited us out for dinner. Apparently, they have some really good news to share with us.” 

“Ohh… where?” 

“Indian Garden.” 

Indian Garden was an upscale Indian restaurant in the heart of downtown. One of my favorite eateries in Chicago. 

We got in the car and drove to the restaurant just 15 minutes away. I couldn’t help but ask. 

“So where is the money going to come from? We just did our budget. This is going to easily cost us $50 with tip.” 

“I’ll figure it out. Don’t worry.” 

I sighed. 

We pulled up and began to park. 

“Ev...let’s park further down. Parking is going to cost us at least $10 if we park here. Let’s just walk.” 

“It’s okay. I’ll make some extra money Ubering. Don’t worry.” 

I rolled my eyes. We could use that extra money towards a lot else. 

We walked into the restaurant and were immediately seated. The Hendersons hadn’t made it in yet. I could smell vindaloo and only imagined the different meats marinating in an array of spices. 

“Go ahead and get whatever you want.” 

“Ev, we have a budget.” 

“In fact, get some meat if you want to.” 

“You know I’m fasting….” 

Evan let out his invisible lion’s mane. 

What was he so proud of? 

He continued speaking.

 “ You know that weekend that I said I was going out of town for that church conference?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Well, I was actually interviewing for ___. They paid for my hotel and everything. I wanted to surprise you. I got the job bae. Here’s your new client exec.”

He got the job. (And I could order my fish vindaloo.)

I got on my knees and kneeled over the seat of my dinner chair. Not symbolically but quite literally.

“Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus. Thank You Jesus.”

Tears streamed down my face without effort. No one knew how hard it was to not give up. 

This was what we were waiting for. 

Ten months of waiting. 

We never missed a meal. We never missed a bill. The Lord took care of us throughout, even in the midst of so many thinking we were crazy, naive, and unwise. 

This was what was on the other side of obedience—increased dependence and trust in the Lord. 

Evan’s new job was double the pay of his previous job. Yes, DOUBLE.

One year after initially quitting his job, we bought our first condo. 

Six months into his new job, we conceived our firstborn. Three months into my pregnancy, Evan received an email stating that his new job’s paternity policy had recently changed. He would be receiving three months of paternity leave, with 100% pay. His new job doubled their paternity leave period.  Yes, DOUBLED.

2.5 years after Evan quit his first job, we were in the financial position that allowed me to leave my full-time job in order to work at home, nurturing our little one (and now little ones).

God is good. He is Faithful. And I hope this testimony leads you to look to the One who is unchanging, forever Good, and always available. If He did it for us, He is more than capable of doing it for you. 

“But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” ‭‭

Hebrews‬ ‭11:6‬ ‭

Fun fact: I don’t even eat meat anymore, by choice (hahaha). 

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On my wedding day...I didn't know I'd be saying "I do" to this.

Sometimes I look at him and wonder. I wonder where the butterflies went, the sweaty hands that suddenly found stability, the upset stomach that sequestered calm, and the frantic eyes that somehow steadied. I look at my husband and am more drawn into the mystery of what brought us together.

Of course, his charm, his humor, and his really good looks helped. But more deeply, I wonder what made us say “yes” to each other and “no” to the rest. Was it my go-to perfume that put his head in a daze? Or was it my sharp sass that held him in want? Was it his swag coupled with quick wit that kept me on my toes? I point largely to the exterior, not due to vanity but due to the fact that without any other reason,  I don't know what brought us together, what made our eyes lock into one, and what made our hearts pant deeply for one another...except for God.

On our first date, we didn’t discuss the number of children we wanted, where we desired to live long-term, the percentage of our check we’d like to see in our 401K, or our anticipated parenting styles. We talked. We laughed. And an uncanny chemistry drew us closer and wouldn’t let us go.

You see the older I get, the more this mystery becomes of growing intrigue. Because when I said “I do,” I really didn’t know exactly what I’d be saying “I do” to.

I didn’t know I’d be saying “I do” to a man who held strong faith in God when we were unexpectedly down to 1 income 3 months after marriage. One who’d try to understand me when I was PMSing and I needed a huge hug right around my waist (but not too tight). One who didn’t make fun of me when I was having extreme pregnancy hormones and missed my mom and sisters and decided to watch Steel Magnolias at 4 AM on a Sunday morning, wept loudly at the end, and then proceeded to get dressed for church as if nothing happened.

I didn’t know I said “I do” to a man who is an amazing father and who cherishes greatly the legacy he passes down.  I didn’t know I said “I do” to a visionary, to one who asks “why” at the most inopportune, yet crucial times, and one who debates me for fun or for my sheer annoyance.  I didn’t know I said “I do” to these things, and yet I did.

Sure, we dated for a long time, talked seriously about our future goals, discussed our compatibility and sought pre-marital counseling. But even with all of these things, saying “I do” took a leap of faith. For when anyone says “I do,” one can’t see the coming arguments, the full extent of a spouse’s sinful condition, all of the difference of opinions, nor life’s different trials that comes with simply living.

And yet every argument my husband and I have, every sinful condition we wrestle out of each other, every difference of opinion that challenges our worldview, every unexpected trial that comes our way, reassures me all the more that I said “I do” to the right man. I said “I do” to my forever love. I didn’t know all these things then. And yet I made the right choice. That puzzles me. 

Proverbs 30: 18-19

18 There are three things which are too wonderful for me,

           Four which I do not understand:

19 The way of an eagle in the sky,

          The way of a serpent on a rock,

           The way of a ship in the middle of the sea,

           And the way of a man with a maid.

I can’t put my finger on what exactly drew us together. It’s hard to articulate the unseen attraction felt that was noticeably different from previous lusts. And it’s even more unnerving to evidence the certainty we both felt in knowing we were each other’s forever-early on. For when I made a vow, I honestly didn’t know what all that vow would entail.

And yet, I looked into my soon-to-be husband’s eyes on our wedding day, and said “for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, till death do us part…I do.”  That’s the essence of marriage—faith. I didn’t know the exact direction life would take us...and I still don’t. But don’t you see that that’s the mystery and the beauty of marriage?

We didn’t know. We don’t know. And yet we said, and say “I do.”

PonderedThought: What are some things that you said “I do” to that you didn’t know would occur in your own marriage? If not married, what are some things you’re already considering saying “I do” to that you’ve put great thought into?

Additionally, if you’re a believer, ponder more deeply on the fact that God said “I do” to you while knowing your full sinful condition. While knowing when you’d turn your back on Him. While knowing when you’d choose the things of this world over Him. And yet, He said, and continues to say “I do” to you every single day. That too is the mystery and beauty of a covenant relationship with God.

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5 Practical Habits to Consider Adopting as a Newlywed

My grandmother called me during my first year of marriage and frankly told me,

“The first 5 years of your marriage will build the foundation for how you and your husband operate for the rest of your marriage. ”

— My Very Wise Grandmother

At first, I thought “5 years is a long time.” But with time, I realized that she was so right. Evan and I get a lot of things wrong. Like a lot. I’m still learning how to...well that’s another blog post. However, here are 5 practical things that we do consistently that work for us. They may not work for you and your spouse, and these could very well change for us as the years go on. But for right now, these 5 habits are our current game changers.

1. Say 1 prayer in the AM together.  

This is not anything fancy nor time-consuming. Evan and I just make sure to always say 1 prayer together in the morning. When I was working at a school, Evan would call me while I was in transit to work and we would pray. Currently, we pray together right when we first wake up. Our prayer typically begins in gratitude to God for the day, and then we take turns praying for one another for 1 shared prayer request. By doing this, we help each other recognize when the Lord has answered a prayer request in one of each other’s lives; we feel connected spiritually by knowing that we aren’t alone in praying for particular things; and we also get a chance to confess anything that we need to confess to one another before praying. Literally, this takes 3-5 minutes. Simply put, this is just a good habit to incorporate in the fabric of your marriage. Evan and I choose to pray in the morning because we tend to get the day started around the same time, whereas we go to bed at entirely different times.

2. Practice adopting a lifestyle to 1 income

So on that day that my grandmother called, she also suggested that we live off 1 income and ultimately save the other. She and my grandfather lived by this principle, and I’m so happy she recommended it to me. If you are newly married, before choosing a lifestyle that forces you two to live off of 2 incomes, practice living off of 1 income and saving the other. In our case, this worked out in my transition to working in the home full-time after our baby boy was born. It also allowed us to save money quickly.

3. Never attack identity in an argument

So when Evan and I argue, there’s one card we’re not allowed ever to pull out, and that comes to attacking identity. We can say “at this moment you are acting ____,” but we don’t say, “You are crazy, irrational, a hypocrite, etc.” Do you see the subtle difference? The former implies that a behavior is temporary, albeit uncharacteristic. The latter conveys that in the fabric of your spouse’s DNA, he/she is something that can never be changed. You may think that this subtle difference is insignificant, but it really helps arguments to not escalate unnecessarily.

Shortly after our baby boy was born, Evan and I had the worse argument of our entire marriage at that point, and it was due to breaking this rule. When things escalated, we stopped and said, “We are doing what we said we would never do.” At that moment we prayed and checked ourselves and continued the conversation when we were more level-headed.

4. “Always” and “Never” are banned words when referring to an action that is negative about the other

This is something Evan and I both have to check each other on when we’re in an argument because it is so easy to present a false reality when stating “You always … You never….You are always…. etc.” The fact of the matter is that when you state something, you begin to believe it. And the truth is…more than likely your spouse doesn’t ALWAYS/NEVER do a particular thing.

5. Schedule a Weekly Business Meeting

We received this tip from an older couple at a marriage conference. Because communication plays such a huge role in the health of a marriage, Evan and I MUST SIT DOWN AND HAVE A WEEKLY MEETING about the week. We see the importance of this even more as life becomes busier as we get older. Life is unpredictable, so we just aim for our meeting to occur at some point every Sunday. Our meeting may spread out intermittently across 2-3 hours because baby woke up or we got hungry or so-and-so called. So don’t imagine us sitting at a table wholly organized and focused. We do what we can do, and still, reap benefits in trying. In this meeting, we go through 6 basic questions.

1. This isn’t a question but we begin by reading a chapter from Proverbs (usually corresponding to the date ex. if Sept 1, then we will read Proverbs 1.)

2. What is the status of our marriage from this past week?

   This gives us a chance to talk about what we could further work on, and it gives us a chance to thank the Lord for progress! We implemented this question after I asked Evan one day, “How can I bring up something that I’d like for you to consider changing without approaching in you in a way that is coming across as nagging?” And he suggested that instead of coming to him every day with something new (which I was doing smh), I could wait until our Sunday meeting to gracefully discuss with him anything that was troubling me etc without pulling out a laundry list (cause ladies, you know we got that list). And vice versa.

3. What is the plan for the week?

   Examples: What days are we working out? What do we want for groceries? Any events occurring during the week, in the evening, that we both need to be on 1 accord about? What are our plans for the upcoming weekend? In our case, what days will you be out of town?

4. What persons do we need to be praying for this week/ need to make sure we catch up with?

5. How did we spend our time this past week? Were we good stewards in getting certain items accomplished or did we waste certain evenings away?

6. Have we accomplished a goal from 1 vision that the Lord has given us?

PonderedThought:

• What are some good habits that you and your spouse implement in order to maintain a healthy relationship? Please post in the comments below! I really wanna know.

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